I lost my dad in May 2019, he was diagnosed in January 2019 with lung cancer, and was given about a year to live
He deteriorated pretty quickly, it started from not being able to eat solid foods, to not being able to drink alone, to not being able to go to the bathroom, and soon he was hallucinating, struggling to breathe, unable to move
At the time I had just turned 18 and it was the scariest thing to witness. To see a man who had already been so close to death, and had survived against the odds and went on to have an incredible life, turn into a shrivelled shell of himself was terrifying
When he died i pushed away all emotions, bottled it all up but now it is starting to creep back so I just had to vent
I'm being haunted by the look on his face when he was hallucinating, the smell of sickness that filled the room, the looks on my brothers faces as they came rushing to the house after hearing the news
I'm haunted by the fact that when I went to see him that morning, my mum told me to tell my dad I loved him and I told her I would be back in like 10 minutes and I never did get to tell him.
I hate that because of how awkward and overly anxious I am, I couldn't t spend time talking to my dad when he was lying in bed, floating between consciousness and sleep, and that I can't visit his grave because I don't know what the hell to do there. There's no stone, the last time I went the grass still hadn't grown over where he was buried, so do I stand on the path? Can I sit down? Why are so many people looking at me?
He was such a great dad to me and when he needed me most I didn't do my best. And now he's gone i still can't do my best and it's so frustrating
I don't quite know how to deal with any of this. It's not my first experience with death, since I lost my grandpa to cancer when I was 13, but I dealt with that completely differently, I didn't bottle it up. But now all of these memories are coming back to me and I do not know how to deal with it all
This is my first post here? I just needed to rant to someone
