My dad passed away over a month ago and I cannot find the words to describe how I'm feeling. He had stage 4 Prostate Cancer and a week before he died he was diagnosed with a perforated bowel and there was nothing they could do. A week before that he was cleared for the go ahead with chemotherapy. He became very unwell the week after the go ahead and everyone such as doctors and nurses couldn't believe how fast he deteriorated. He died 5 days after coming home. He became horribly depressed in the hospital and I feel awful that he had to go in in the first place but he has sepsis. 

Everyday is strange without him, I cannot believe it has happened and although I knew it was always going to be this way with his illness, I just can't shake the feeling like I failed him. I can't believe I couldn't save him and I know I am no doctor ad there was no cure but I wish I wasn't so powerless.

I went to see him today before his funeral on the 29th, a day before his birthday. I've been feeling strange since seeing him but no where near as painful as seeing him die was. I just want him back, I don't want him to go.

I feel disconnected from everyone, nobody can fill this huge void in my heart. I can't believe I have to live for another 80 years without my Dad. I just can't believe it, the world feels so cruel and horrible. I wanted so much longer with my Dad but it would've been cruel to keep him around longer in so much pain.

I'm unsure if he knew he was dying or that he was going to die before coming home from hospital. Sometimes I wonder whether I should've told him. He asked me the day after coming home whether his prostate was ever going to get better and all I could say was No. It's never going to get better, there's no cure and no more treatment left for you. I'm sorry I don't have better news. I'm devasted that I saw my Dad being nothing like my Dad. He lost so much weight and had no interest in the things he cared about. He just wanted me to look after myself.

I am so sad and often feel like I can't bear the thought of carrying on. I seemed to be okay the few weeks after but I'm finding it hard again. I don't know if it's coming to a close with the funeral. My whole life feels meaningless.