Mum died very suddenly 19 months ago. With a bad back being dismissed by drs as a cracked rib. She had an X-ray it was clear. Then she collapsed. She had a chest infection they said. She was admitted to high dependency, 4 days later they said she had terminal cancer with a few days left to maybe a few short weeks. The chest infection was something that she couldn't fight off. They had no idea where the cancer started but she had malignant pleural effusion and tumours on her lungs. But it wasn't the primary and she was too ill for further tests. So we had spent 4 days thinking it was pneumonia. But now she was dying of cancer. On the Saturday morning they told her. Mum was terrified of cancer and dying. I have So many regrets. I wish I stayed with her the night she was told she had terminal cancer. But she told me to go home. I had been there for 8 hours with dad. I asked the nurse if I could stay she said I could sleep in the chair next to Mum. So I said mum I can sleep next to you. But she shook her head and said no. She said go home you look so tired. I said again. Are you sure mum. I can lay next to you. But again she shook her head. I said to dad. We need to stay. But he said she needed time alone and space. So I left to give her some space and tome to get her head around things as she went practically mute after they told her. And seemed to just want to sleep. But she must’ve been so frightened alone in that hospital that night. She collapsed on the Monday with a chest infection 4 days later they tell her she has lung cancer and is dying. She must have been in turmoil.
I felt so frightened. In all honesty I didn't want to leave mum but I also wanted to run home climb into bed and sleep and block it all out, so I didn't fight to stay with her. I should have insisted. But I was not thinking straight. I hadn't slept or eaten for nearly two days.
the next day I visited her but left after a few hours as my brother arrived and he hadn't seen her so I left to give them time together. But he left early evening. So
the next day I went up early with the plan to now stay over night and not leave her side. She died that day in my arms. She only lasted two days after they told her she was dying.
I never really believed she would die. I never really fully comprehended what was happening. How I wish o had stayed with her, her last two nights she was alone. I'm so grateful I was with her when she passed. But I can't let go of leaving her.
