Hi all,

Im not one for posting on forums but I feel like I have been slowly creeping into a massive black hole that I cannot get out of. I need to find someone that understands or at least a little bit of help. I have tried councilors, doctors, over the phone help and everything bottled up inside of me from my mother's passing just causes me to break down and cut everyone off. 

I am 1 of 3 siblings that my mother had (I'm the oldest and supposed to be the strongest, yet over time I have became the weakest). We all have traveled a long long road. I have Asperger's syndrome (autism) although I am not seen as a visible disability my syndrome is hidden but certain aspects to life I just cannot cope with. This being the top of the list. 

My mother, Nichola, was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer of the utirus (may have spelt that wrong). Her GP told her for months it was only woman's problems, a very heavy period, until we paid privately to have her seen to and the outcome was not expected. That was in 2013 she was diagnosed. Given 6 months to live. Lived for another 2 years. My sister's only small at the time didn't know fully what was happening. I seen the best parts in mum for years. I seen the worst parts. From her happy smiling face and loving heart, to rapid weight loss, blood pouring from her, hair loss etc. It was, and still is, too much to cope with. How the no.1 person of my life, my rock, was just decaying Infront of me, and nothing anyone could do to stop it. It is not fair. I would happily have ended my life on so many occasions just to see her again. 

My mother died of a horrible battle with cancer at the young age of 45 on the 27th February 2015 and I still have not been able to move on from it. Still fresh in my mind. She took her final breath with me. I remember the tightness of her grip of my hand, to a second later becoming loose and then dropping. 

Every mother's Day is difficult, I don't have my rock anymore. Valentine's Day - she's not here. Christmas - can't spend time with her. My birthday - she's not beside me. 

My life at the moment is good. I have a dog with my fiancé. Our wedding is in a few years time. I run my own business. And yet at the same time I feel like I am loosing my mind by thinking of mum constantly. I can't get over it. I won't get over it. Feel just banging my head against a wall trying to move forward but I can't.