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Aftermath of Mums death

Rhi173
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hi,

First time poster here. I lost my mum on the 3rd Feb 2021 to lung cancer with mets, only diagnosed with this in sept 2020.

There are several things I'm struggling with at the moment. I'm struggling coming to terms with how much life she had left to live and feel robbed of her time with us. No time to give her any grandchildren to enjoy. Only 68 when she passed. Only recently moved to a new bungalow in prep for her old age and spent the time re landscaping her beautiful garden.

Lockdown hasn't helped because it has meant we couldn't make any really special memories together as nothing open to us. 

I'm in the caring profession and my sister is not. I struggle with the burden of the decision making I had to make during the period of her death and wonder whether we put the syringe driver in too late/too early , whether we should have had the carers or not and whether we should have discussed this with her more to make her own choices. I feel like maybe we took over too much and she lost the control which was what she wanted all along. I struggle with this guilt.

I felt at the time we didn't really talk about her dying very much and didn't make the most of the time left talking about old memories and the good times, mainly because I would have definitely got upset and didn't want to upset her. I see it written on posts everywhere about doing this in the final days and regret not doing this with her.

Its the above burdens which keep rolling around in my mind and don't know for sure if she had a "good death" which is all I would have wanted for her.

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    Hi,

    I have been following the online forum for a little while just waiting for someone to post with a very similar story to my own.

    I am deeply sorry for your loss of your mum and know too well how you must be feeling right now.

    I lost my mum on 17th February to lung cancer that had mets. I only found out on the 1st february after a short illness at home and eventually resulting in calling an amblunce for my mum as she really was not prepared to go to hospital regarding her symptoms. 111 and GP was a complete waste of time as they simply didn't listen to my growing daily concerns and the changes I was having to process.

    I too feel guilty as I think I didn't make enough noise and was unable to protect my mum from covid that she contracted whilst in hospital a couple of day after being told she was terminal ill, in fact I recieved the news on my mums 70th birthday and I pleaded with the ward sister to let me open my mums cards with her ..... she basically told me my mum hadn't moved over to pillative care and was still waiting to have this confirmed, even through I been told they was nothing they could do for  her 3 days prior to her birthday which was on the 5th of February. I had to fight to see my mum which was   Eventually approved from Wednesday 10th February, I managed to get my mum home late Monday 15th February which came with lots of extra added stress that was very upsetting. I don't work in care and felt they knew best and I simply knew nothing and therefore I feel I've been pushed into decision without understanding what they was actually making me do. I feel guilty I didn't challenge them enough as I was to heartbroken to process the information and trying to remain calm and positive for my mum who by this point was very frightened and I was finding things incredibly hard to stay brave for her, as I knew I was going to lose my mum so soon and without any warnings. I haven't had my mums funeral yet and I am totally dreading this day as it's the day after mother day. 
     

    I hope one day we could both look back on losing our mums and  truly believe we did our very best for them,  but sadly for me I am not quite at ease with this and hope one day I can except the things I wasn't able to change.

    take care x

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    Hello [@Rhi173]‍ 

    Firstly, I just wanted to say I'm so so sorry to hear about your mum, lung cancer is so so cruel.

    I too lost my mother two days ago, after a very short battle. She was 55 years old. I am 33, my brother is 27. I'm going to type how I feel in the hope that it may help you with the guilt side of things.

    When my beautiful mum was first diagnosed. I felt so so angry. Angry with her gp that he palmed her off with excuse after excuse. Angry with myself that I didn't listen to her properly and I should have when she was in pain. And angry for the last period of her life she was largely in hospital, so all that could happen was for me to hear her deterioration over the phone.i dreaded speaking to her. So I felt guilty for that too. 

    Eventually, my father pushed (quite forcefully over the phone) to speak to the consultant last week. Our appointment with the specialist for her full prognosis was supposed to be Tuesday just gone (my mum passed away on Thursday evening). At this stage, we were told she had days to live. I was heartbroken, and so so angry. She was taken into a hospice, and we were by her side 24/7. 

    One thing my mum said to me, as she literally was dying is ii know you will find the next period of time tough, but you must take a deep breath and continue. If you carry on in life thinking why has this happened to me, why now, it will make you heart cold. This has resonated with me so much, and showed what a truly beautiful person my mother was. 

    I think in situations such as this, the grief is unbearable. I'm not eating, sleeping and I feel so empty. But, I owe it to my mum to continue now. She may not be with me in person, but she will be here for the rest of my life. I can feel her already. 

    Unfortunately, cancer is horrible. It takes people before their time. I've read devestating storiew of  parents who are in their 40s leaving children at such a young age. I'm trying to cling on to the fact that the time I had with my mum was so so special, and no one can take that away. 

    I hope this has come across in the way that I have meant. Sending you so much love at this time xx

  • Offline in reply to Newlife101

    Hi, 

    I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. I've read loads of things about GPs not sending people for scans sooner. It's wrong on so many levels that people are sent away time and time again (7 in my Mum's case) It does make me feel angry (or calm angry as I would say as I don't have the energy to feel anger) My Mum died in January. 
     

    I feel lost and empty without my wonderful Mum. My heart is truly broken. I get waves of panic thinking this can't be real - this can't happen to my Mum! 
     

    I love the wise and wonderful words your Mum gave you and similar to wise words my Mum gave my sister to tell me and my other sister. Wise, wise words but so hard to follow when we are broken and left wondering how we are in this situation. 
     

    Sending you lots of love x J x 

  • Offline in reply to JP7956

    I have to say, it seems unfortunately very common for misdiagnosis which leaves a bit of a mind heart battle for the aftermath of grieving. I agree with you, I also do not have the energy to be angry at this stage. 

    Take good care of yourself, I hope that you gain some comfort from this unbelievably heartbreaking difficult situation soon. I keep being told it does get easier

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