I lost my dad and I don’t know what to do or how to feel.

I lost my beautiful dad on 18th February this year and I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He died at home, in his bed, I'm only 27 and I feel I've been robbed of so many years. 
I was the youngest child, my dad was 76. 
 

He was diagnosed with stage 4 incurable but treatable non small cell lung cancer in December, they delayed his immunotherapy up until late January stating his infection markers were up so they couldn't do treatment yet. His scan in December showed cancer only on the right lung, he also had a collapsed lung, by mid January he had another scan and it had already spread to his liver and spine. I believe the delay in treatment is what contributed to his early death, I don't blame the hospital but I wish more had been done. They dragged so many things out that didn't need dragging out because when he did get his first and last immunotherapy treatment his infection markers were still up, they accepted it was likely the cancer doing that. He was one week away from getting his second treatment when he died. 
 

On top of that his normal pharmacy was dispensing him the wrong medication from September. He had high blood pressure and was on Atenolol and Amlidopine for years with no issues, then a few weeks ago my mom checked over his medication (my dad just used to get his prescription delivered and take it when he was independent so we didn't need to do anything) she noticed the outside box said Atenolol but the inside said Alluprinol. We investigated this and they said someone had dispensed the wrong medication and that there would be a formal investigation, they managed to calculate from the dates of the medication that it was in September it started, they said the side effects would be low, but Atenolol was his main blood pressure medication of 100mg so surely going without that for so long unnoticed could cause damage?! 
 

My dad deteriorated so quickly in the last few weeks he had virtually no appetite he would only be eating soups and a bit of toast or chips here and there, the night before at 11pm he was walking to the toilet himself, he ate nearly a whole bowl of rice pudding and drank water like he was desperately thirsty, by 4am he had tripped in the hallway and fell and couldn't find the strength to get up so me and my mom had to help him back into bed, we asked if he needed an ambulance or anything and he said no he just needed to rest because he felt weak. 
 

By the next morning the nurses came to drain his pleural fluid as they had been doing every other day and he had gone downhill again, wasn't very talkative and wasn't paying attention so an ambulance was called, I was so scared to come out of my room because I could hear the paramedics saying his BP was something like 30/40 and that he was approaching end of life, palliative care was here too. 
 

He died around 6pm before that he was staring in the corner of the ceiling and holding out his hand, he kept speaking to someone aswell, and about 2 weeks leading up to his death he was getting confused at one point he didn't know where the toilet was, he was calling for his friends (who are alive) in his sleep, then he started doing what I think was nesting, planning things like giving his car to his best friend, he only put insurance on it for 6 months etc. The night he died we had family over because we knew it was happening, and we knew he would want them there. He looked so peaceful and just like he was sleeping, I gave him so many kisses, I helped the private ambulance people put him into the sheet and into the bag and into the van. 
 

He always said he didn't want to die alone, and he didn't, he died with family around him, he wasn't afraid of dying, he accepted it and sort of embraced it whilst me and mom were in denial. He used to tell us "I'm dying, this is going to kill me" and we would deny it and state no it won't, immunotherapy has so many positive reviews, he will make it. 
 

Then on the day of his death he said to me "I'm not going to make it" and I said "I know Dad" and he looked up at me so surprised and smiled because he realised I had finally accepted that he was dying, and I believe that's when he truly relaxed and decided it was time to go. 
 

I just feel so lost without him, I cry and then I'm okay, a bit numb, if I laugh about something I feel guilty, I feel like the world is going at 2 miles per hour and I just don't see the point in carrying on. Our house feels so empty without him and I know he would never ever hurt me or anything but I'm so scared to sleep alone and I have slept in my parents bedroom with my mom since he died. 
 

Sorry for the long post but I just needed somewhere to let it all out. Do things get better? Will I ever feel normal again? Everyday I wake up and I feel like the energy has just left me. 
 

I just want my dad back, but I know he wanted to go. He said "I want to go home" so many times and when we said "You are home" he would say "No, home" and look up. He had such a great life, he was so healthy and so fit for his age right up until the end of last year. 
 

I feel like I've been robbed of so many years, I am the only child of his who hasn't had any children yet and he didn't meet a boyfriend. 
 

I just need this to get easier. 

  • I'm so sorry for your loss my love! My dads birthday was 12th March and it was a hard day but also a celebration so I totally get you. 
     

    Nobody prepares you for the loss of your parents even though we know it's going to come one day I didn't expect for me it would be at the age of 27! That's so sweet that your dad is buried with a letter from you! We will be burying my dad with his pride possession, his phone! He had a game that he was so obsessed with and would annoy us with the noise so it was only right we make the decision to bury him with his phone so he can play his game in heaven! Also, it means I can send him lots of WhatsApp messages and I know he will get them as his phone will be right beside him. I understand for some that may sound silly, but the idea that my dad will be buried with his phone and I can send messages to that phone brings me so much comfort and will make me feel close to him. 
     

    I am also sending virtual hugs to you and your family for what you are going through! Your dad would be proud! X

  • Hello Chan401. I resonate with your story so much. I lost my Dad 3 weeks ago. I am also 27, and was a complete Daddy's girl right from the very start. I'm missing my beloved Dad terribly. He had us when he was that bit older and was 70 when he passed away. He was my "person", my best pal, and we too were really alike in so many ways. We spoke all the time and I just adored him. How are you getting on now? Really hope the pain and grief has imroved for you

  • Hi Lucia, firstly I am so sorry for your loss! Please take it as comfort that so many of us have been through what you have so we know exactly how you feel. 
     

    Your dad was similar age to my Dad. I forgot I made this post, to read it back brought all the feelings back especially because there's little things in the time leading up to my dads death that I had forgotten and reading them back today reminded me and upset me all over again. 
     

    I am doing so much better though, it's hard, every single day is hard and there's not a single day or hour that goes by where I don't think of my Dad, 2023 has been a great year so far for me, I've been doing my driving lessons and have booked my driving test which my Dad wanted me to do for years so I feel I'm making him proud, I've got a new job, I turn 30 in the summer and although I'll never be that girl again when my dad was alive, I'm a new person now, I'm stronger and I handle things better, I've grown as a person. 

    I still have my moments where I cry, I cry hard, I get angry, that'll never stop, but the pain now isn't as strong as it was then or more accurately I've gotten used to it, I've grown as a person so the pain doesn't seem so big. I'll be honest, I always say "it doesn't get better you just get used to it" and that's the truth, you'll never get over it, but you learn to live with your "new normal". 
     

    I still live at home and have reminders of my Dad everywhere which I love, we still have all of his clothes, shoes and all of his aftershaves on his dresser, his sewing machine is still organised just as he left it, we only love things to clean, to some that may be strange and it may feel like we haven't moved on but honestly it's a comfort for me as it feels like my Dad is still here. I think if we moved everything it would feel like he's well and truly gone and I don't like the idea of that. 
     

    Sometimes I open his wardrobe and smell his things or go through them, like I haven't gone through them a hundred times! His wardrobe smells exactly as it did when he was alive, it makes me so emotional but it makes me feel close to him at the same time. 
     

    I smile, I laugh, I dance and I go out, I couldn't do it before as I felt so guilty, but ive come to realise my Dad would hate to see me pause my life and would want me to live it. I still have days of disbelief but for the most part I'm trotting along and taking everyday as it comes and I'll probably be like that forever. 
     

    You're going to hurt so bad and hard for a long time but trust me there will come a time and a day when you'll smile and feel happy again, you'll always have in the back of your mind "I wish my dad was here" just know that he is, always. 
     

    Sending so much love and light to you and your family. Xxx

  • Hello Chan401, 

    Thank you for replying to my post. I'm so glad to hear how well you're doing. It sounds like you're really out there grabbing each day and living life each day, whilst also carrying your dad with you. It gives me a lot of hope for the future, that I too may start moving forward with my life too at some point. I hope things keep going onwards and upwards for you !

  • You saying about sleeping with yer mom after your dad died I did exactly the same for months after my dad passed ours was so quick just 5days from him going into hospital to the day he passed..The shock took me years to get over my dad was just 57 I was getting married 6 months time ...I can see where your coming from ...It does get better or should I say easier but I will always miss him same as you will miss your dad....Take time for yourself and keep remembering all the good times you shared....xxxx