Hi Melb63,

I am so so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. My thoughts are with you.

I sadly lost my amazing dad back in October after a 2 week diagnosis with a rare cancer, Im only 32 and its a struggle to smile each day. My mum and dad have been married for 37 years and so I can see how much pain you must be experiencing.

Looking at how my mum is, I can say that what you are experiencing are normal feelings. She tried to put a front on and also says "up and down" a lot but inside I can see how much she really is hurting. My lovely dad was only 58 and so is my mum and they had lots of happy adventures planned which now are cut short. We had my wedding to look forward to which was in April 2021 but we have made the decision to cancel it and she finds this difficult too as feels guilty.

My mum keeps saying shes sorry when she cries in front of me, she tries to hold it in to everyone else but I just let her cry. I feel this is a normal reaction caused by grief and that crying helps release some of what we are feeling.

Remember the amazing times you had in the last 25 years, I can imagine you had lots of love, laughter and made so many memories together. These memories will always be there and will never fade.

Have you got access to local counselling you could try? We started counselling a couple of weeks ago, its not for everyone but after a sudden loss we felt we needed to try it.

Keep smiling when you can, remember the good times and think how proud your husband would have been to have you caring for him. As I say to mum, the good times will come back, not in the same way but I believe the sunshine will come again in our lives, the storm will pass and we will remember the amazing time.

Thinking of you xx

Thank you so much for your kind words, one of the main things that jumped out at me was the word guilt, I feel guilty if I laugh or do anything I enjoy I've even stopped cooking and just eat ready meals because I shouldn't be enjoying food.  I think your right and I will try counselling my husband was such an amazing man I just can't accept he's not here anymore I still expect him to walk back in the door. Please accept my condolences and hug your mum for me I know exactly how she's feeling xxxx