After 2 years of battling Ovarian cancer my Mum passed a few days before Christmas. She fought so bloody hard to have more time with us but within 2 days she went from appearing fine to passing. She was admitted to hospital with breathing difficulties after starting a new round of chemo. That night she arrested and we were told to go and say our goodbyes. That call from my dad is haunting me as it was so unexpected. All she could keep saying to me was how sorry she was. She knew what was coming and she said that she wasn't ready to say goodbye or give up. The next day she passed with me and my dad in the room. I can't stop thinking about those final moments- they are taking over my life and all I want to do it forget them. 
In addition to this I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old. I'm trying to cope for them but failing miserably. I just can't stop thinking how badly she wanted to be a granny and that this was cruelly taken away from her. 
We have had her funeral and with COVID lockdown I'm unable to get the support I need from friends and family. They have been great from a distance but I just need 'normal' things to do and I can't. I'm also trying to support my dad who is lost after 48 years of marriage. He's needing to learn to cook and manage life without her. My mum was supporting me right up until her hospital admission with childcare and emotionally and now I have nothing. My dad finds seeing my kids too difficult and too much of a high risk due to COVID. 
I can't stop thinking of everything my mum wanted to do and wasn't able to do and how much she loved us and her grandkids. She is going to miss out on so so much and I can't see how I will get through any occasions. I was hoping to get married last year and this was delayed due to Covid, now I know I'm going to have to have it without her. 

I'm just lost and numb. Every time something happens or I have a question about my newborn I go to text her knowing that I will never get a reply.