Hello Peanut86, 

First of all, I am so sorry about your loss. It sounds like your mind can only visualize what happened following your mum's diagnosis but that it struggles to focus on what went on before, perhaps because of the intensity of what your mum went through at the time. It must have been all consuming at the time and traumatic for you and your family so much so that it becomes difficult to remember the things that happened before. Perhaps if you feel ready you could look at old photos to help bring back those memories. You have come to the right place though to talk to others who understand what you are going through, who have also experienced the loss of a loved one and had to deal with the complexity of the grieving process. You can read more about coping with grief in this section of our website. Perhaps it would do you some good to talk to a grief counsellor - do talk to your GP about the fact that you feel you cannot remember a lot of things pre-diagnosis and whether they think it would be beneficial for you to speak to someone about this. 

Do come back here anytime - we are all here for you whenever you feel like talking to others who will completely understand how you are feeling at the moment having themselves lost a parent or a loved one to cancer. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator