2014 my mum got the horrific news from the hospital that she had cancer. We were so distraught. 2 years went by with endless amounts of chemo and new drug trials, we thought she had beaten it. Sadly, this wasn't the case the cancer had spread throughout her body. This gave her weeks/months to live.
A couple of weeks later, My mum slowly started to deteriorate. Me being selfish at 17, I begged to stay at my friends house for a sleepover my mum gave in and let me go. The next morning I woke up to find my mum messaging me but none of it made sense it was all jumbled words like a word search. I got home and my heart dropped. My mum wasn't talking or opening her eyes properly. I feel awful thinking back to that time.
A couple days later, My dad quit work and became a carer for my mum. A week went by of what felt like a shadow of myself sitting beside her, brushing her hair and singing to her. 5th April 2017 Hearing the footsteps coming up the stairs to a knock on my door, I buried my head in my covers and pretended to be asleep. My auntie took my hand and told me that I needed to come downstairs because my mum had gone. I wanted this all to be a bad nightmare and maybe just maybe this wasn't happening to me. I remember the feeling of just looking at her and not being able to cry...why couldn't I cry? Everyone else was crying and I couldn't. My whole world crashed before my eyes and I felt like I had nothing in my body. Like I was watching myself walk into the room and it wasn't me.
25th April 2017 we said our last goodbyes and that was when it hit me, really hit me. Still to this day, years later I often have a feeling that's always lingering around me waiting to creep back and get me. A sort of sadness that will get you at your weakest moment and make you feel like you can't carry on.
One thing that somehow seems to get me through, is a phrase My mum would say to me "Be brave be confident and be yourself" and "always walk with your head held high".
