My mum passed away in December last year, we hadn't seen each other in nearly 20 years.

It's a long story but when I was a child she had a breakdown of sorts, left the family home, and was acting really strange, aggressive, abusive.. And that was that really I was only 12/13.

She never really tried to contact me, unless we accidentally bumped into each other which happened about 3 times in that whole 20 years and she would say "I love you". But it wasn't enough for me.. I felt hurt really hurt by her.

My dad told me she had terminal cancer, as soon as I found out I rang her. She said she didn't blame me for us not speaking. I cried and told her how lonely and depressed I was as a teenager as a result.

I text her alot in the months ahead

She would reply but often ending the conversation... I don't know why

She never told me how bad things were getting, I rang the hospital as she had a fall in this time, and then one day I rang to ask after her and she'd left. 

I rang her mobile one day and her friend answered and said if I wanted to see her I'd best go straight away as she was dying.

I went, held her hand, kissed her, hugged her, said goodbye and she managed to say I love you. 

She died that day... But I'm left feeling immense guilt, serious guilt, what ifs, what if I stayed in contact? Should I hav just accepted her ways? Should I have met up with her before that day? So many awful waves of guilt are coming over me. If I'm honest I know we wouldn't have gotten along if I had seen her but I feel death is so final it distorts your rational thinking. I keep thinking about when I was tiny, and the little lovely memories when you adore your mother, she was a good mum when I was tiny. Right now I feel so so awful and guilty though. And sad! Can anyone help?