It's 3.25am. I cannot sleep. 

My Grandma lived in the USA, I in the UK. She was diagnosed in October with cancer in her lung which spread to the front of her brain and she passed tonight. 

I had not seen her on video for two weeks. I knew she was declining because she could not speak much and was terribly fatigued. But seeing her tonight was...scary. She was unrecognisable. She looked like a scarecrow or something. I know that sounds harsh but it frightened me. 

3 hours or so later my father messaged me to say she had passed. I knew it would happen tonight. I also saw her corpse. I have never seen a corpse. It is...weird, shocking, bewildering and horrific. 

She was so sharp mentally and was always moving around. We never thought it would happen to her. She was so robust and alive and strong. Dad thought she would easily live to late 80s. I thought the same. She was a powerhouse, and I was forever impressed by her stamina for an 82 year old. I would show her off to my friends and talk about how great she was for her age. 

I cannot believe that in 4 months cancer just ate into her. How cruel and humiliating this disease is!

I wish exceptions could be made for those terminally ill when flying abroad but I tried and to no avail. 

My cousin has Downs Syndrome and the sadness in his face...she was his life, he was glued to her just like I was. 3 years ago our Grandad died and he was also devastated. I want to give him a hug. I want to be there. He called me and was so sad. He wanted to keep me on video for a while and I wanted to reach out and be there. I showed him some pictures of Grandma on my computer when she was younger and healthy. I will share a lot more photos for him. He loves them. 

The view of her just before she died is haunting, sad, scary, unbelievable...it circulates my thoughts. 

The world feels weird, grey, empty, different...

My Dad and I have been estranged for a few years but tonight I messaged him and we exchanged a few messages. We told each other we loved each other. And he messaged me to tell me she passed which humbled me because it came from him. I hope to speak to him soon. 

And so life goes on....

It is 3.41am now. I am just feeling flat and nothingness. I want to be with my family in America and even my Dad. We share a common love, our adoration for this beautiful woman. 

I love you so much Grandma, my angel, my everything. Xxxx