It's been nearly a year since I last saw my mum, the hardest year of my life. I miss her every minute of every day and I still can't quite believe this has happened to us. I've got through this year by being in denial and distracting myself so much that I rarely get a minute. I still feel I'm watching someone else's life, watching how they are coping and wondering how they hold it together.  Life without her is horrible, something I dreaded for years.

My partner of 17 years told me a couple of weeks ago that he thinks a girl from work has a thing for him (we work in the same department). Ive never been insecure about our relationship but It's knocked me and I've blown it completely out of proportion, he's told me my insecurities are 'unattractive'. I know my reaction is form of grief but I feel so lost and empty. My mum gave me so much love, support and belief in myself and without her I'm not the same person. It's just so hard, life changes so drastically. 
 

I try so hard to focus on the what we had rather than what we've lost but that's so difficult. I know more than anything I was so lucky to have had the most fantastic mum who was my best friend and I'd give anything to hang out with her again. To have a laugh and a chat, she's so dearly missed. 
 

I do also count my blessings because I have wonderfully supportive children and they had an amazingly close bond with her, we are lucky to have each other I know. 

I have no idea why I've written this, I've rambled on,  I just wonder, will it ever shine brighter ?