Hi, 

Thinking of you and your children. I lost my husband to testicular cancer on 2nd Jan after an almost 2 year fight. He was 41. We also have 2 children - 2 girls aged 11 and 7. Still feel almost numb at the minute and want to feel him with me like he promised he'd be, but I just don't yet. Praying I will one day as need to know he's there and that one day I'll be back with him. Got his funeral to come on Wednesday and currently framing a photo for the top of the coffin and noting down eulogy ideas. All feels so surreal. Got to keep going for the girls though. Sure you know that feeling. Best wishes to you and your little ones. 

Hello I know exactly what you're going throughI'm really sorry for your loss cancer is just horrible and obviously it affects The people who are left behind

 I think things will take a long time before we actually understand at all I'm much the same I walk round in limbo kind of like this can't be happening to me she's only popped out to the shop should be back soon but deep down we know what's happened and next time we'll see them as when we are up in heaven  to that's what my nine-year-old says anyway I hope it's true!  
funeral goes well Trust me you don't need to worry about it it's kind of like time stops just for a little while not really to say goodbye just to say that you love them and you had a short life but happy life 

i'm here if you do wanna talk I don't think I've ever met anyone from Newcastle because I'm from Southampton anyway trust me when I say I feel your pain that's without talking about the kids you're also grieving for the children I know I am I know they should have them and maybe it should've been me with the cancer! I love being on this website and I love talking to people sometimes when there is like radio silence I feel like oh my God what am I going to do next but the boys keep me busy

Hi Chris,

I'm ok, just didn't get up till really late today. Stayed up talking to a friend on the phone till about 3am. Was someone I'd not spoken to for a while so it was nice to hear from her. 

Having quite a down day today. Just missing him and feels like every day is the same here without anything to really look forward to. 

How are you and the boys doing? 

How has your day been today? Watching dancing on ice with the girls. Before covid they used to skate 3 times a week and Phil used to be so proud watching them practise and do shows. It's bittersweet watching it as makes me think of happy times but so sad he'll never see them skate again. 

Hope your day has been ok.

Hi, how are you doing? I'm just sitting watching telly at daft o'clock as can't sleep. Been a strange day. Cried quite a bit. 

Hope you and the boys are doing ok. 

Hello I'm not doing that well  I've not been eating  felt like crap yesterday  there is nothing left inside me   My body is still trying to do all the normal stuff like going to the toilet  but there is nothing left inside me ( not good)  sorry you're having a bad day yesterday we will be okay 

Ah bless you, that's so hard when you can't face eating. I was like that when Phil was ill but strangely eating better now. Think it was the anxiety of what might happen that used to get to me. Lost about 3 stone since the first lockdown. I needed to though so it's OK. It's hard though to make yourself eat when you really don't feel like it. Hope you manage to have a little bit of something today. I used to manage rice crispies or plain toast when I was at my worst food wise. 

Just had to ring Phil's work to look into his pension etc. Felt awful. Like mercenary if you know what I mean? Ended up crying to the poor woman on the phone. 

 Poor you trying to sort it all out I feel your pain talking about pensions is never easy after losing a loved one ! My mum is helping today is I can hardly move  hurt my back to!  Then feel really guilty as my wife was in constant pain still managed to look after the kids .I miss her so much 

Ouch, sounds sore. I've woken up with a sore neck today as well. Got the votarol on like an old nanna. 

Doing home school stuff with Hannah. It's like pulling teeth. Phil was much more patient with her. I'm patient with the kids I teach but find it far harder with my own two. Know that sounds daft! 

Hope you feel better soon. I'd recommend the voltarol if you can get some. Definitely helps. 

I'm ok back getting better I felt so selfish earlier as I was in loads of pain but my wife was probably in Even more pain ? A few days ago o was ok  ish felt martyne was ever were  I few days on now I feel like I can't feel her?  Being sick didn't help she is the best person you could want if you're feeling poorly. How do I/ we get over this  It's doing my head in that no one understands only people on this page and to understand what a loss means 

So hard, isn't it? Phil used to be lush when I was poorly. Always there with a hug, a hot water bottle and a cuppa. Miss him so much. 

Know what you mean about sometimes feeling like they're there and sometimes not. I'm the same. Some days I'm convinced he's with me then other days I just feel empty again. 

We'll get through though, for the kids. 

 Kid your right I guess  they are in pain to but I can't  really help  that much  I guess just talking to them!  I hate my new life absolutely hate it  Today I was talking to people who work at the cemetery about how much it cost for a plot it's basically two grand with the stone which is fine because I've got the money but I know deep down martyne would probably want me to spend the money on the boys are keeping the house going but at the same time she actually asked me to go up there and have a headstone so we can visit so I guess that's what I'm going to do 40 years old I'm doing this All my mates and they're probably just cuddling up with their wives husbands this is horrible 

 Kid your right I guess  they are in pain to but I can't  really help  that much  I guess just talking to them!  I hate my new life absolutely hate it  Today I was talking to people who work at the cemetery about how much it cost for a plot it's basically two grand with the stone which is fine because I've got the money but I know deep down martyne would probably want me to spend the money on the boys are keeping the house going but at the same time she actually asked me to go up there and have a headstone so we can visit so I guess that's what I'm going to do 40 years old I'm doing this All my mates and they're probably just cuddling up with their wives husbands this is horrible 

It really is. I see people's posts on Facebook and stuff with their partners and I just feel so jealous. Then I feel awful for feeling like that. Never felt anything like it and it's just awful. Like you say, so few people can really understand too. 

I'm in my bed crying  I hate being in bed alone  but I don't want any woman here with me just want her  my wife. Its silly as I've never met you but you understand everything   And  know what to  say as you feel the same 

It really helps that you understand. It's so hard listening to people who have no clue what it's like telling us we'll be ok and that time heals and all the other cliches. So glad I found this page and that we can talk and support each other. 

Like I said before maybe we are meant to find each other and a crazy kind of way  Over the last couple of weeks I doubted heavenWill I go there that's such a place exists I hundred percent leave now I went on YouTube today and found this Type in   prioritise your life I was dead for 20 minutes kind of helped me Is this American chap story what he saw 

Ooh I'll have a look. I know there's a series on Netflix at the minute about people having near death experiences. I'm tempted to watch but a bit scared too. I nearly contacted the medium that Mick mentioned yesterday, but I think it's still too raw so trying to wait a bit longer. You're right, definitely helping having someone in such a similar situation to talk to. 

Hi Chris and Jo , so sorry you are feeling so bad . But I know how you feel . I still think of my wife every hour of every day. And I still can't go to places we used to go together. Just so sad and lonely. 
jo I do t know but they say you should wait 6 months before going to a medium. Do t know how true that is , but you should go when you are ready. Also record the meeting as there will be things you will forget. And it brings comfort to listen to it again. 

Ah thank you, that's a good idea to record the session. I'm in 2 minds about whether it would help. Guess I just want that reassurance that he's with me like he promised he'd be. Thought I'd sense him with me because we were so close in life and he'd know how much I need him but I just don't. I talk to him all the time but don't really get a sense that he's there. My 7 year old does so that gives me some hope. 

You're right, not being able to go to places that are special to us definitely makes things harder. 

Thank you for sharing your experience with us, as it is helpful to hear what it's like a bit further down the line. 

Hi mate I seem to be getting worse as time goes on   I'm angry  with why her why me   We were ment to have so much more time  then again maybe not? 

Hope you've felt better today. How is your back?

Been an ok day for us today. Usual home school battle with little one. The sister from the ward where Phil had his treatment rang today to see how we are. She was so lovely about him. Made me feel proud but so sad at the same time. 

Hope today has been better for you. 

That was nice sister from the ward phoned us there been a hard conversation i'm okay when I'm trying to keep busy homeschooling has helped a bit more today i'm going to pick up my wife's ashes tomorrow it's really really happening how the hell am I going to get through this just want to cry