Hi, 

Thinking of you and your children. I lost my husband to testicular cancer on 2nd Jan after an almost 2 year fight. He was 41. We also have 2 children - 2 girls aged 11 and 7. Still feel almost numb at the minute and want to feel him with me like he promised he'd be, but I just don't yet. Praying I will one day as need to know he's there and that one day I'll be back with him. Got his funeral to come on Wednesday and currently framing a photo for the top of the coffin and noting down eulogy ideas. All feels so surreal. Got to keep going for the girls though. Sure you know that feeling. Best wishes to you and your little ones. 

Hello I know exactly what you're going throughI'm really sorry for your loss cancer is just horrible and obviously it affects The people who are left behind

 I think things will take a long time before we actually understand at all I'm much the same I walk round in limbo kind of like this can't be happening to me she's only popped out to the shop should be back soon but deep down we know what's happened and next time we'll see them as when we are up in heaven  to that's what my nine-year-old says anyway I hope it's true!  
funeral goes well Trust me you don't need to worry about it it's kind of like time stops just for a little while not really to say goodbye just to say that you love them and you had a short life but happy life 

i'm here if you do wanna talk I don't think I've ever met anyone from Newcastle because I'm from Southampton anyway trust me when I say I feel your pain that's without talking about the kids you're also grieving for the children I know I am I know they should have them and maybe it should've been me with the cancer! I love being on this website and I love talking to people sometimes when there is like radio silence I feel like oh my God what am I going to do next but the boys keep me busy

Cancer is just evil. Sleep wouldn't come for me last night till about 4 o'clock. Just went from the bed, to the window, then back to bed, talking to him and asking where he is and why he won't send me a sign like a dream or something to show he's ok and waiting for me. Just feel so empty still. Like I'm surrounded by lovely people who want to help and make it better but they can't, if you know what I mean? I feel like I'm wishing for my life to be on fast forward so I can be old and ready to join him. Know that sounds awful. Just how I feel. 

How are you today? How are the boys? 

 Hello I'm ok hope you get  more sleep tonight  I'm sure phil is safe   Hopefully talking to martyne  about us?   We will be ok trust me   We have to be. All I want is to be an old man and die but what about the kids??

Sorry not been about much today  very hard day are you ok?

Been a strange day. Like when you don't know where to put yourself? Been to look at flowers again at the crem but not done much else. Hope you and the boys are ok. 

I completely understand after the funeral it's horrible it's kind of where I am at the moment it's like is that it are we supposed to just move on and forget about it as you are spending so long to getting ready for the funeral it feels like that's it nothing else to do I completely understand your pain in the way you feel! 
 

Mate I've had the day from hell I had  I have always had this one dream in particular about Martyne is that we was on the London UndergroundJust sightseeing to be honest and she meets me at the same spot same station  all the time in my normal dream only last night I was at the train station and he never turned up  the train arrived But she never got or the train strange isn't it I've had that dream for years and years has been brilliant last night was a living hell because she didn't get off the train  (i'm really crying now) how am I going to get over the loss of my wife??

Ah that sounds so stressful. Bless you. Wish I could help in some way. Keep talking though. Hopefully that will help us both. 

I wish I could remember my dreams at the minute. Have only had a couple of dreams of Phil and in those dreams he was still ill. Every night I ask him to come and visit me but he doesn't. 

Just still felt surreal looking at the flowers today. Like they were beautiful and everything but didn't feel like they were for my Phil. So strange. 

Guess all we can keep doing is what we are and taking each day as it comes. His parents were saying today how I can't stay sad forever and how I'll have to get rid of some of his stuff eventually and I just wanted to say to them that they've got no idea what it's like. I can't even begin to think of getting rid of anything yet and can't imagine getting happy again at the minute. Know I have to try for the kids but just feels like I put on a fake smile for them, really. 

Thank you you are helping me so much  you understand! and understand me! Crazy I know as we've never met? But in a non-creepy way I just love the company to be honest i'm so sorry if that sounds crazy? Your dream will come to you  and it will be perfect but very short  your want more you may even get angry but you must be happy with the dream you had because I've not had one since and a short dream is better than no dream about our loved ones! 
I understand what you're saying about his parents I guess they're just trying to be strong even though it's not the words you wanna hear what you wanna say to him is *** off you haven't got a clue but like you say you'll be nice for the children and deep down they probably thinking they're doing the right thing? All my wife's clothes are in the drawer and I'm not touching them for a long time! I'm sat in the kitchen all alone strange really few months ago this never would've happened

Yeah, I won't be moving any of his stuff for a long time. A friend today has offered to make memory bears for the girls out of his t shirts or shirts, so that's a nice idea. Other than that though, his stuff is staying put! 

I find it hard with his parents as we've never been close to them but I know they're grieving and I know Phil would want me to make an effort with them so I'm trying hard! They just seem to have a knack of saying exactly the wrong thing at any given time. 

Phil's work sent us a load of photos today and printed memories from all his colleagues and friends in a leather wallet for me and the girls. Was so lovely but made me cry buckets. 

Definitely helps loads talking to you and knowing you understand. 

Good glad your keeping all his stuff The hospice gave my kids memory bears and we sprayed her perfume on them!!  Now I small her everywhere hard but nice.  My wife work did the same sort of thing like you say lovely  but lots of crying involved! My Relationship with her mum is much the same in many ways. I probably shouldn't tell you this but this morning after my dream I was looking  through her underwear drawer for about 20 seconds I was imagining her dancing on the bed  like she used to for me just had to close the drawer and cry again I don't understand why do things like this all my doing is beating myself up 

I keep watching video montages of photos and I know I'll end up bawling my eyes out but I do it anyway. Keep asking myself why I'm lying myself through it but can't help it. Mad, isn't it?

My eldest wants to start making a scrap book. That will be quite nice to do together. More tears no doubt though. 

I keep watching video montages of photos and I know I'll end up bawling my eyes out but I do it anyway. Keep asking myself why I'm lying myself through it but can't help it. Mad, isn't it?

My eldest wants to start making a scrap book. That will be quite nice to do together. More tears no doubt though. 

I did that with the photo s but had to stop for a few days  not done it since  I want to but I go back  to a low place  trust me her underwear drawer didn't help me either! Scrap book lovely idea we are doing a memory box   We just write memories obviously and sometimes add a photo, god I miss her so much  I can't do this for the rest of my life?

 I miss her hugs and miss the energy she had  I hate having  to cuddle my pillow at night because my wife is not there  I'm so used to her being there?

Phil used to always warm the bed up with a hairdryer before we got in and then we'd cuddle up. Hate being in bed alone and sit there talking to my cushion with his photo on it. Just feel so lonely and think the same - like how can I do this forever? Miss having him to talk rubbish to - you know, just the random everyday stuff that you wouldn't talk to anyone else about? Miss everything so much. 

That is exactly 100% how I feel thank you for saying that out loud!  Means a lot  but here the thing  I don't want anyone in my bed  may sound crazy but  I just want  a hug  love a cuddle  and a chat about random  stuff  as well  so am I contradicting myself hope that makes sense

Totally get you. I just want him. Like I hug the kids and that but don't really want a hug off anyone else. Just want him. The kids keep asking to sleep in my bed but have only done that one night so far. It's like I hate being alone but having them there doesn't really help either.  

 I'm glad you understand what I'm trying to say   It's hard  to say stuff with out it sounding weird ! My oldest sleep s in my bed at the mo I like it  apart from the constant kicks!  It's just like you said you want phil  but you don't want any one else  but you don't like sleeping alone that is so me !!! The thought of being kissed or sex is a no way for me even the hottest supermodel couldn't compete with the love I have for my wife 

Completely agree. Can't imagine ever having an interest in that again, to be honest. Just want him back with me. Just got to keep hoping we'll be back with them one day, I guess. So hard though, isn't it? Feels like it gets harder each day sometimes. I get the constant kicks. Had them both in with me the other day and we've got a super king-size bed but littlest one still had me shoved to the edge of the bed!

We will be back with then  I have to believe that otherwise what's the point?  I know people say we do it for the children but we're not going to go back to loved ones what a waste of life that is for us I mean we still live in our lives so I have to believe that my life after this life will be my best life that makes sense??  True love never dies apparently that's what I'm holding onto! We have a big bed to not sure what size  again my wife sort it out what bed she wanted. I feel I'm going downhill very quickly now  it's true what people say about you never realised what he had till its gone  I have no idea how I'm going to get past this? It's my fault talking about  sex  we were so in love she gave her body to me completey god I miss that so much  I can't even remember the last time we did it probably just before she went into hospital I never thought that would be my last time  she was like I'm going into hospital for a few days so we better do it because I know what you're like!!  So I missed that part like crazy then that's just me being selfish really because what I miss the most is mummy for my children and that's the way it goes I've just grieve to myself and I'm grieving for my children again it's just constantly going round  I want it to stop  but then 

my brain will think I never loved her that much ? I guess I need to go back they by day thinking but that's so hard  as bills need to be paid 

It's just the most awful feeling. I keep thinking about work and whether going back would help me but I'm not ready yet. 

I know exactly what you mean. I keep thinking it's going to be so awful spending the rest of my life waiting to be back with him but that's all I can imagine doing. 

I'm no way ready to go back to work that's even if I still can I have a two-year-old I may just have to be a stay at home dad no idea what will happen! All I know is I love my children very much and have to try and be strong with them I know that's what Martyne would want . We have to remember  apparently we won't feel like this forever  I'm not so sure? And if I do get over this does that mean I didn't love  her enough??

It definitely won't mean we didn't love them enough. They know how much we love them and we always will. I think eventually it'll all feel less raw. We'll always miss them and have our sad moments but guess it will feel different in time. Part of me hopes it will but part of me is scared of feeling further away from him, if that makes sense? 

I've been off work since last March because of Phil shielding. I think I'll probably eventually throw myself into work as a distraction. I've got lovely work friends so I know they'll help me get through. Be a while though, that's for sure.