Well done i'm proud of you you have that drink in fact I'm proud of all your family and amazing job for phil 

im ok had to go to Sainsbury's today to stock up that was really hard nearly breakdown in the middle of the store but managed to keep it held in Lucky the boys were with me 

Ah bless you. That's hard when it hits you when you're out and about. Well done for getting through it though. 

There was a woman at the church today from my priest's other parish recording the service for us to put online for people who weren't there. She sent me a message after and it turned out she was widowed at 45, 17 years ago. Her message was so lovely. Planning to keep in touch with her. Like we've been saying, it's good to take to people who know what we're going through, isn't it? 

Cancer is just evil. Sleep wouldn't come for me last night till about 4 o'clock. Just went from the bed, to the window, then back to bed, talking to him and asking where he is and why he won't send me a sign like a dream or something to show he's ok and waiting for me. Just feel so empty still. Like I'm surrounded by lovely people who want to help and make it better but they can't, if you know what I mean? I feel like I'm wishing for my life to be on fast forward so I can be old and ready to join him. Know that sounds awful. Just how I feel. 

How are you today? How are the boys? 

 Hello I'm ok hope you get  more sleep tonight  I'm sure phil is safe   Hopefully talking to martyne  about us?   We will be ok trust me   We have to be. All I want is to be an old man and die but what about the kids??

Sorry not been about much today  very hard day are you ok?

Been a strange day. Like when you don't know where to put yourself? Been to look at flowers again at the crem but not done much else. Hope you and the boys are ok. 

I completely understand after the funeral it's horrible it's kind of where I am at the moment it's like is that it are we supposed to just move on and forget about it as you are spending so long to getting ready for the funeral it feels like that's it nothing else to do I completely understand your pain in the way you feel! 
 

Mate I've had the day from hell I had  I have always had this one dream in particular about Martyne is that we was on the London UndergroundJust sightseeing to be honest and she meets me at the same spot same station  all the time in my normal dream only last night I was at the train station and he never turned up  the train arrived But she never got or the train strange isn't it I've had that dream for years and years has been brilliant last night was a living hell because she didn't get off the train  (i'm really crying now) how am I going to get over the loss of my wife??

Ah that sounds so stressful. Bless you. Wish I could help in some way. Keep talking though. Hopefully that will help us both. 

I wish I could remember my dreams at the minute. Have only had a couple of dreams of Phil and in those dreams he was still ill. Every night I ask him to come and visit me but he doesn't. 

Just still felt surreal looking at the flowers today. Like they were beautiful and everything but didn't feel like they were for my Phil. So strange. 

Guess all we can keep doing is what we are and taking each day as it comes. His parents were saying today how I can't stay sad forever and how I'll have to get rid of some of his stuff eventually and I just wanted to say to them that they've got no idea what it's like. I can't even begin to think of getting rid of anything yet and can't imagine getting happy again at the minute. Know I have to try for the kids but just feels like I put on a fake smile for them, really. 

Thank you you are helping me so much  you understand! and understand me! Crazy I know as we've never met? But in a non-creepy way I just love the company to be honest i'm so sorry if that sounds crazy? Your dream will come to you  and it will be perfect but very short  your want more you may even get angry but you must be happy with the dream you had because I've not had one since and a short dream is better than no dream about our loved ones! 
I understand what you're saying about his parents I guess they're just trying to be strong even though it's not the words you wanna hear what you wanna say to him is *** off you haven't got a clue but like you say you'll be nice for the children and deep down they probably thinking they're doing the right thing? All my wife's clothes are in the drawer and I'm not touching them for a long time! I'm sat in the kitchen all alone strange really few months ago this never would've happened