Hi, 

Thinking of you and your children. I lost my husband to testicular cancer on 2nd Jan after an almost 2 year fight. He was 41. We also have 2 children - 2 girls aged 11 and 7. Still feel almost numb at the minute and want to feel him with me like he promised he'd be, but I just don't yet. Praying I will one day as need to know he's there and that one day I'll be back with him. Got his funeral to come on Wednesday and currently framing a photo for the top of the coffin and noting down eulogy ideas. All feels so surreal. Got to keep going for the girls though. Sure you know that feeling. Best wishes to you and your little ones. 

Hello I know exactly what you're going throughI'm really sorry for your loss cancer is just horrible and obviously it affects The people who are left behind

 I think things will take a long time before we actually understand at all I'm much the same I walk round in limbo kind of like this can't be happening to me she's only popped out to the shop should be back soon but deep down we know what's happened and next time we'll see them as when we are up in heaven  to that's what my nine-year-old says anyway I hope it's true!  
funeral goes well Trust me you don't need to worry about it it's kind of like time stops just for a little while not really to say goodbye just to say that you love them and you had a short life but happy life 

i'm here if you do wanna talk I don't think I've ever met anyone from Newcastle because I'm from Southampton anyway trust me when I say I feel your pain that's without talking about the kids you're also grieving for the children I know I am I know they should have them and maybe it should've been me with the cancer! I love being on this website and I love talking to people sometimes when there is like radio silence I feel like oh my God what am I going to do next but the boys keep me busy

I'm off to bed hope you're phone call went well  I need this day to end 

I'm going to see if I can sleep   Hope The phone call went well 

It was nice to talk to my friend and she said the eulogy sounds good so I'm glad that's sorted. 

Getting sorted for bed too. Going to try and start getting to sleep a bit earlier that we have been. 

Hope you get a good rest and that tomorrow is a better day. Take care. 

Home schooling done I hate doing that  my wife was so much better than me at all that  hope your ok 

Sorry I've not replied. Been a really rough day. Went to see Phil one more time at the Chapel of Rest and really wished I hadn't. He didn't look like he did and have spent the rest of the day trying to get the image out of my head. 

I'm a teacher but I find home schooling a nightmare at times. My eldest is in y7 and she just gets on with hers but the 7 year old finds any excuse to get out of it and I've just not got the energy to push her to do it right now. Schools are being great though so that's good. 

How has your day been? 

That's ok  there is a lovely story called the water bug and the dragonfly on you tube may help you and the girls it's helped me explain things to the boys. I'm ok ish  love talking to people still on here not anyone else  people just don't no what to say are you ready for the funeral? I never went to the chapel of rest kind of wish I did though only because I feel guilty But to be honest I know she's not there anyway it's just the body 

I was glad I went last week as he looked peaceful but wished I'd not gone today. Wanted to put a couple of the kids' drawings with him but was a mistake to go. Never mind. Can't change it now. As you say though, that's not actually him. It's just a shell. 

Pretty much sorted for the funeral. Just need to print off bits tomorrow but done apart from that. Dreading it but also starting to feel ready for it. 

Yeah people really find it hard to know what to say, don't they? It's understandable though. I'd be the same normally I think. 

You went to the chapel of rest again for the girls so you did the right thing even if it wasn't very nice for you I'm sure phil would love you doing they  for the girls even in such a difficult time i'm sure he's looking down on you and is so proud of you  in every way!!! All I can say is don't fear the funeral of corse it not what you want to be doing but time kind of stops  for a bit  and there are other people there who kind of (not completely) feel YOUR pain  so in a strange way it's quite comforting.  I really feel your pain trust me  I'd love to give you a hug  and tell you you/my  future will be ok  but I'm not there yet  nowhere near i'm just in denial like it can't be happening  how can someone I love so much just disappear  forever when they did not want to leave and was a good kind person! Everyone always says cancer only takes the good ones

Phil's oncologist said that - that the worst things happen to the nicest people. It really seems to be true. 

My cousin has just told me time heals and keep strong but you know when you just want to say to them, you've got no idea, no idea at all what it's like. 

So glad I can chat to someone who gets it and understands the feeling of shock and disbelief and worry for the future without the person you love most.

Martyne will be so proud of you too. She'll be looking over you and your boys and will be so harpy with how you're looking after them and doing home school and everything. 

Hope your ok today I understand what you mean about your cousin I just want the day to end! Some one said to me every day you Finnish your one day closer to being with her   Can really understand  why say that ??

Hope your ok today I understand what you mean about your cousin I just want the day to end! Some one said to me every day you Finnish your one day closer to being with her   Can really understand  why say that ??

Think people just don't know what to say so they say whatever comes into their head but sometimes that just does more harm than good. Know they mean well though. 

How has today been? I feel like I should be doing stuff for tomorrow but everything is done, eulogy and my daughter's poem is printed. Nothing to do but I feel restless. Like I should be busy if that makes sense? 

Weather is rubbish so can't even go out for a nice walk to clear my mind or anything. 

How are the kids? Mine have been doing their schoolwork but getting little one to do hers was a hard slog today. 

 Good luck for tomorrow it's going to be a hard day I'll be thinking of you 

kids  have been great for me today  Big distraction which I really needed but like I said feel bad because I'm not with martyne  Trying so hard to make her proud of me it just seems like such an impossible task i'm crying as I'm writing this I just want her back so much!! I'm so sorry are be ok just need a hug from someone who understands the pain I'm in.  I was just The same is you the day before the funeral it's  completely normal you're doing is perfect I'm sure Phil would be so proud 

Ah I'm glad the kids have helped today. So hard but they definitely do keep us going. It is so hard being without the ones we love though. 

Tomorrow will definitely be hard. Seems surreal still. Wondering if tomorrow will make more real? 

 Martyne not being here is horrible and probably always will be I cry cry  About being robbed out on a future that none of us deserve to lose. I can't tell you to much about tomorrow just go with you have nowhere else to go  it will be horrible but slightly nice at the same time  do you want to know completely how I felt for the whole day? 

I'm hoping it'll be as nice a send off as we can give him. I don't think it'll seem real. Kind of hoping it doesn't, if you know what I mean? 

I keep thinking that too. That we've been robbed ofthe future we should have had and that I'll always feel like this. It's just awful, isn't it? 

Your be fine tomorrow don't rush things like I say time stops   In there   It will be ok  just hold your kids tight if there going ?  He is  the children. Someone said to me you got two boys that great  half of martyne in Connor another half in Jack and two half s make a whole are never forget tha! It's not the same but it's all we can have. My future worry s me my kids futures worry me to but one day at a time remember 

Aw that's a lovely way to think of it - one half in each of them! The girls are coming tomorrow so will focus on them. They will get me through it. Just wish they didn't have to get through it. Like you say though, one day at a time. 

Grieving for yourself it's hard for the children is even harder  as you feel so sorry for them  I've still got mum and dad need them every day how will my boys cope without a mum goes over and over in my head! Is phil having a burial cremation? 

Cremation, then bringing his ashes home. Not even sure if that's right but that's what I told him I'd do and that he'd be here with us until my time comes, then the girls can bury or scatter our ashes together. 

Hannah asked me what would happen at her wedding the other day. Made me cry thinking of my dad giving me away and making a speech. 

I rely loads on my parents - we live right next to them - so makes me sad that they won't have their dad in the future. My dad is 75 and still comes and does our DIY and stuff. 

Having kids gives us something to get us out of bed each day and to go on for but it does give us a whole lot of other things to worry about to. 

Martyne  had the cremation to it was her choice then A gravestone in the local cemetery bury her ashes  And I will go there when it's my time as well basically got a pay for two plots but at least that's my death sorted out  only just done the cremation nothing else yet. Hannah on her wedding day will be so sad but in time  you both will no what to do I guess ( I don't know the answer)  that's the problem we need a mum and dad so do our kids let's be honest   Shame they hat to go. 
I truly believe if we never had children I'd of followed my wife into heaven 100%  so has my boys saved me  of am I in living hell?? Just waiting about40 years I don't know ??  Don't get me wrong glad and love my boys  but what if ?