Talking to you helps so much it really dose  feels like I've known you all my life  you are helping me in ways no one else can  your living my pain  you understand everything  shame. It's a 500 mile car drive just got a hug 

Glad talking is helping. It definitely makes a difference to chat to someone who is experiencing similar and who knows what it's like having to get up and carry on for the kids even when you feel like you're falling apart inside. 

 Hi jo hope you're okay I know it's a silly question because I'm sure the answer is no not really? What do you f ing think !! What a really *** day I went to my mum and dads and that was horrible I mean really really horrible no one knew what to say just glad to get out with the kids as quickly as possible how can one person change your life completely?

Ah no, I'm sorry you found it hard at your parents'. It is hard for people to know what to say, isn't it? Sometimes people say things and you just want to tell them to shut up, but then you know they're trying to help. It's just really hard. It'll have been nice for the kids though to see them, I bet. I'm at my mam and dad's at the minute. We're really close as they just live over the fence from us and they loved Phil like a son so they have been a big help. There's still times I just want to go home though. Feel closer to him there but then when I get home I want to get out again. 

Know what you mean about one person changing your life. It's like that person has gone and our whole worlds have been turned upside down, yet the rest of the world just continues on. Sometimes I watch cars going past and people outside being normal and I want to shout at them and ask do they not know what has happened. Crazy because it's nothing to them, but you just feel like the world shouldn't just been going on like everything is normal. Know that sounds mad. 

I completely understand what you're saying about the rest of the world just going on I felt just just the same still do If I'm honest  I hate that life goes on his is so hard to say but when martyne died kind of wish me and the kids went with her  just to be somewhere else together ! 

My mum and dad treated martyne like there own to  she was in and out of my life since she was 13

Ah that's nice that your mum and dad were really close to Martyne too. It helps, doesn't it? 

I've thought that too. Just want us to be back together as a family. Know Phil wouldn't have wanted us to go with him now though. Totally get the feeling though. Just miss him more every day. It's like he's everywhere I look and nowhere at the same time. So hard. 

Hope you manage to feel a bit better tonight. Know there's nothing I can say that will help with that though. Thinking of you. 

Totally know what you mean. Phil took ill on 20th Dec with a seizure and up till then we thought his high dose chemo in the summer had worked. He had felt great but then he had a seizure and found it was back and in his brain. They said on 22nd that they could give palliative chemo but he'd have weeks rather than months. Can't home on 23rd but he got ill so fast and couldn't get out of bed after boxing day. Just progressed so quick. They did get on top of his pain after a few days but it still hurt him every time he moved his head. I just remember him saying I'm not ready when they told us and crying about the girls. I'm the last few days when he was awake but not able to speak any more, I just kept thinking what on earth must be going through his head? Watching the kids open their presents and knowing he never would again and stuff like that. Just awful isn't it? Totally feel for you and completely understand. 

We've just got to hope that our lovely other halves are up there watching us and sending us their love and strength, because God knows we need it. 

Yes we do! Don't want to talk about god He's meant to be the big powerful person and all he did was watch them  die why not save them??? 
 

 I think martyne or phil got you to right something on my page because your story is so like my own  in so many ways and talking to you helps me so much ( I know nothing will bring my wife back) but if I am to move on and look after the children for the next 40 years  people like you help me so much. Don't want that to sound creepy  in any way 

It doesn't sound creepy at all. Talking to you is helping me too because you get it. You understand what it's like. 

Strangely I thought that yesterday about being meant to find your post or being guided to it somehow. I was crying and talking to Phil and telling him I'm struggling and need his help to get through and by phone pinged with an e mail from this chat at the exact same time. 

It's just the hardest thing to go through and trying to deal with the grief of our kids while trying to cope ourselves is just so difficult. I know the kids will get us through though. That's the main thing.