Hi, 

Thinking of you and your children. I lost my husband to testicular cancer on 2nd Jan after an almost 2 year fight. He was 41. We also have 2 children - 2 girls aged 11 and 7. Still feel almost numb at the minute and want to feel him with me like he promised he'd be, but I just don't yet. Praying I will one day as need to know he's there and that one day I'll be back with him. Got his funeral to come on Wednesday and currently framing a photo for the top of the coffin and noting down eulogy ideas. All feels so surreal. Got to keep going for the girls though. Sure you know that feeling. Best wishes to you and your little ones. 

Hello I know exactly what you're going throughI'm really sorry for your loss cancer is just horrible and obviously it affects The people who are left behind

 I think things will take a long time before we actually understand at all I'm much the same I walk round in limbo kind of like this can't be happening to me she's only popped out to the shop should be back soon but deep down we know what's happened and next time we'll see them as when we are up in heaven  to that's what my nine-year-old says anyway I hope it's true!  
funeral goes well Trust me you don't need to worry about it it's kind of like time stops just for a little while not really to say goodbye just to say that you love them and you had a short life but happy life 

i'm here if you do wanna talk I don't think I've ever met anyone from Newcastle because I'm from Southampton anyway trust me when I say I feel your pain that's without talking about the kids you're also grieving for the children I know I am I know they should have them and maybe it should've been me with the cancer! I love being on this website and I love talking to people sometimes when there is like radio silence I feel like oh my God what am I going to do next but the boys keep me busy

Ah that's lovely with the star. Bless your lovely boy. Sure his mum is up there looking over you all with pride and love. We waited days to see the stars after Phil died. So many cloudy nights. He'd wanted to take them out into the countryside to look at the stars before he died but he didn't get time. Only days together after the bad news, not the weeks they expected. So many things we wanted to do together. I'll take them once lockdown is over. Not the same though is it? 

We all love the beach. The sea calms me like nothing else. Will definitely be back there a lot after lockdown. Phil and I took the kids there in the summer to watch the sunrise the day before he went into hospital for his stem cell treatment. A very special memory for us. 

My friend dropped the cards over for the funeral flowers earlier. No idea how to put everything into words. Need to start writing Phil's eulogy too. God knows if I'll get through it but I'll give it my best try. 

Girls are watching the Voice now and I'm willing no emotional songs to come on. 

It's great you Have so many memories of Phil and more will come I promise you!  No flip side to that when good memories come The bad memories aren't too far behind and that sucks big time! 
im sure you will find the stars again soon! 
when your  friend popped round was is her that did not no what to say?  As for writing  stuff for the funeral  once you start you won't want to stop for me it felt like the pain was doing all the work and the words come to me instantly . And I really am rubbish at reading and writing 

No, it's me that's not sure how to put things into words on the card for the flowers. I'll get there though. Need the girls to write theirs too. Wish so much they weren't going through this. Wish none of us were but especially them. You just want to protect them, don't you? I'm finding memories help for a bit and then I get sad that we won't make any more together, if you know what I mean? 

I know what you mean about the kids  I found keeping my oldest involved if he wanted to great help for me and him. I'm just the same as you miss her so much  want to cuddle up to her in bed hold her boobs like I've done every night for the past 12 years or so   Maybe  even  grabbing her bum! But most of all looking into a beautiful eyes I can see nothing but love back again  I'm hurting so much never loved anybody like I love her   I can feel myself slipping down again I guess we've just got to ride the rollercoaster 

You're right. It absolutely is a roller coaster. The whole cancer journey is and it's just awful, isn't it? I just want Phil to hold me in his arms and tell me it'll all be ok. His arms was my absolute favourite place to be. Didn't matter what was going on in life, if he was with me, I was ok.  Thinking of you and hope you manage to get some rest tonight. I've not been getting to sleep till about 3 o'clock in the morning. Know it's no good not sleeping but so hard to get off to sleep isn't it, when you just want them to be there beside you. I hate those days when you wake up and for a split second you forget it has happened and then it hits you all over again. 

Sorry I read my post again and probably should have mentioned her boobs and bum I seem to do that just to get carried away sorry . Every morning I wake up and think it was just a bad dream and then reality hits every day same pain   I can't help you that that's where I am. I go to bed about 12 ish sleep okay was probably on the walking I do! We'll you to be tucked in bed by 10 o'clock in the good old days I just love to cuddle  

Yeah, the walking helps, I bet. I need to try and get out more for sure. That feeling in the morning is just awful isn't it? If only there was a way to make it just be a dream. 

Not mentioned her ..... ment to say 

 I no what you mean!  Yes try and get out it's silly but helps  

 I don't no how I'm going to cope with out my wife  I guess are have to talking on here dose help  so thank you   It's hard but got to take one day at a time  

Thank you too. It does help. 

Know what you mean, I can't imagine how I'm going to keep going without Phil. I'm just trying not to think too far ahead for now. Like you say, we'll just have to keep taking one day at a time. 

Our little people will keep us going. 

Thank you too. It does help. 

Know what you mean, I can't imagine how I'm going to keep going without Phil. I'm just trying not to think too far ahead for now. Like you say, we'll just have to keep taking one day at a time. 

Our little people will keep us going. 

Hope so I'm off to bed to see if I can dream about mummy  good night  take care 

Good night. Hope you get your dream. Take care. 

 What a cra- morning I'm having this is really happening I can't do this anymore  I need my wife .

So sorry you're having a bad one. I am too. Feel like every day gets harder to take. It's like a physical pain sometimes isn't it? Like your heart actually aches for them? Sending you a virtual hug. Hope your boys help you through the day. 

My eldest told me last night she's scared in case she gets cancer or someone else in our family. Hate that they're having to have thoughts like that and hate that I can't promise her it won't happen. Just want them to be kids with normal lives again and normal kid worries. 

We've all just got up as kids were up late crying and we were writing the eulogy together. You were right about it just flowing once you get started. Know I need to get them into a routine but it's hard. 

Hope you manage to get out for some fresh air as know you were finding that helpful. 

It sucks  no matter how hard I try  I just can't do this  kids need a mummy . I'm sorry your having a bad day to  I need real hugs  but thank you for the virtual hug . I feel your pain Talking about cancer to kids it's horrible x  no matter how hard I try  I can't do this with out her 

You are doing brilliantly with your boys. Some days just getting up and making sure they are fed and cared for is all we can do but that's a massive achievement when you think of what we are going through.

Phil is all I've thought about today and every time I realise it's forever I feel physically sick. Never known pain like it. It's like someone has ripped your heart out, isn't it? Just feel like part of me has gone with him and I'll never be complete again. Know I've got to keep going for the girls though. I promised him I would. It's hard though. Really hard. 

Wish I could say or do something to help but I'm here to chat if that helps at all. Give the boys a massive cuddle. I know it's not the same as having your wife beside you but feel like it's as close as we can get to them, if you know what I mean? 

Thinking of you. Hope you've got plenty of support from family and friends. Maybe someone could go for a walk with you and a chat? 

 Talking to you helps so much it really dose  feels like I've known you all my life  you are helping me in ways no one else can  your living my pain  you understand everything  shame. It's a 500 mile car drive just got a hug 

Glad talking is helping. It definitely makes a difference to chat to someone who is experiencing similar and who knows what it's like having to get up and carry on for the kids even when you feel like you're falling apart inside. 

 Hi jo hope you're okay I know it's a silly question because I'm sure the answer is no not really? What do you f ing think !! What a really *** day I went to my mum and dads and that was horrible I mean really really horrible no one knew what to say just glad to get out with the kids as quickly as possible how can one person change your life completely?

Ah no, I'm sorry you found it hard at your parents'. It is hard for people to know what to say, isn't it? Sometimes people say things and you just want to tell them to shut up, but then you know they're trying to help. It's just really hard. It'll have been nice for the kids though to see them, I bet. I'm at my mam and dad's at the minute. We're really close as they just live over the fence from us and they loved Phil like a son so they have been a big help. There's still times I just want to go home though. Feel closer to him there but then when I get home I want to get out again. 

Know what you mean about one person changing your life. It's like that person has gone and our whole worlds have been turned upside down, yet the rest of the world just continues on. Sometimes I watch cars going past and people outside being normal and I want to shout at them and ask do they not know what has happened. Crazy because it's nothing to them, but you just feel like the world shouldn't just been going on like everything is normal. Know that sounds mad.