We will be and that's what will keep me going. 

Your wife sounds like a lovely lady, a real fighter. Phil fought so hard too. Just wish they had both been able to win their battles. Feels so unfair, doesn't it? 

I will go on and know Phil wouldn't want me not to. Just can't imagine what it will be like and can't see happiness again. I know logically that there must be happy moments in the future with the girls but feel like there will always be that sense of wishing he was here too. 

How are your children doing? Mine are very up and down. They can distract themselves much better than me though. We all struggle at night time and they're staying up really late at the minute. Always one of them has a 'sore tummy' but think really it's them missing their dad. They take their cushions to bed with photos of him on and spray it with his aftershave. They're definitely keeping me going at the minute. So proud of them and he will be too. 

Sending love to you and your boys. 

 Sorry For the delay in replying I've just been swapping over the kids bedcovers  trying to keep busy or do something walking helps a lot  just to get outside feel the fresh air my 9 yet old is staying up late I let him  he plays his games  and it must  help forget a little bit! Then he sleeping in my  bed  do you like to be close to mummy his words he has mummies perfume on his teddy to sometimes when I smell it I cry again.

my life is a mess  I do miss woman's company a lot  but  as for sex and all that just not interested at all hope that kind of makes sense or maybe a  man thing ?

 On here  maybe 5 people have helped me so much  men and womenand if there was no lockdown I'd love to cuddle all of them I completely feel their pain and they  feel mine silly I no but my wife would be so happy I'm getting help and helping people on this site 

It's silly at all. Talking to you today has really helped me. I'm really grateful. Makes such a difference knowing someone understands and gets it. 

My girls slept in our bed last night. Was nice but I also like to chat to Phil when I go to bed so not sure I'll do that often. They share a room though so they aren't on their own at bedtime. 

We've not been out much yet. Really want to go to the coast, which we loved as a family. Only 15 mins in the car but with lockdown I'm not even sure we're allowed to go there to walk. Planning on getting a memorial bench down there eventually. Be a nice place to go to remember Phil. 

I can't even imagine having that side of life again with anyone else and not planning to. Figure I hit lucky and found the best 17 years ago so I've just got to be lucky for the time I had. 

Off to my parents for tea. We've bubbled with them as they live pretty much next door. It's helpful for the kids as they're really close to them. They lived there from Sept till 23rd Dec as Phil had a stem cell transplant in the summer so was really immune suppressed, and couldn't take the risk of covid once they went back to school. Wish now we had kept them home from school in September but we never imagined this was going to happen. Thought it had all worked until 4 weeks ago when he took ill and we found out it was back. All happened so fast in the end. 

Thanks again for chatting. Really does help. 

Remember I was saying earlier I wanted a sign he was there? I've been looking for 2 days for a necklace he got me for my 40th in the summer. Was getting really upset and asked him to help me find it. Found it within ten minutes in a drawer I've checked several times. He's here. 

 That's great news  I'm so pleased for you  yes he will always be with you we went looking for stars a few minutes ago  and only one star out Connor my oldest said look that's mummy s star  think he was right! 
 Your life and Family lifestyles seems just like mine We always went to the seaside as well we are again 15 minutes away by car always walking by the sea  or up a river.

A memorial bench by the sea it's a lovely idea  that's so sweet  great idea by the way.

Ah that's lovely with the star. Bless your lovely boy. Sure his mum is up there looking over you all with pride and love. We waited days to see the stars after Phil died. So many cloudy nights. He'd wanted to take them out into the countryside to look at the stars before he died but he didn't get time. Only days together after the bad news, not the weeks they expected. So many things we wanted to do together. I'll take them once lockdown is over. Not the same though is it? 

We all love the beach. The sea calms me like nothing else. Will definitely be back there a lot after lockdown. Phil and I took the kids there in the summer to watch the sunrise the day before he went into hospital for his stem cell treatment. A very special memory for us. 

My friend dropped the cards over for the funeral flowers earlier. No idea how to put everything into words. Need to start writing Phil's eulogy too. God knows if I'll get through it but I'll give it my best try. 

Girls are watching the Voice now and I'm willing no emotional songs to come on. 

It's great you Have so many memories of Phil and more will come I promise you!  No flip side to that when good memories come The bad memories aren't too far behind and that sucks big time! 
im sure you will find the stars again soon! 
when your  friend popped round was is her that did not no what to say?  As for writing  stuff for the funeral  once you start you won't want to stop for me it felt like the pain was doing all the work and the words come to me instantly . And I really am rubbish at reading and writing 

No, it's me that's not sure how to put things into words on the card for the flowers. I'll get there though. Need the girls to write theirs too. Wish so much they weren't going through this. Wish none of us were but especially them. You just want to protect them, don't you? I'm finding memories help for a bit and then I get sad that we won't make any more together, if you know what I mean? 

I know what you mean about the kids  I found keeping my oldest involved if he wanted to great help for me and him. I'm just the same as you miss her so much  want to cuddle up to her in bed hold her boobs like I've done every night for the past 12 years or so   Maybe  even  grabbing her bum! But most of all looking into a beautiful eyes I can see nothing but love back again  I'm hurting so much never loved anybody like I love her   I can feel myself slipping down again I guess we've just got to ride the rollercoaster 

Sorry I read my post again and probably should have mentioned her boobs and bum I seem to do that just to get carried away sorry . Every morning I wake up and think it was just a bad dream and then reality hits every day same pain   I can't help you that that's where I am. I go to bed about 12 ish sleep okay was probably on the walking I do! We'll you to be tucked in bed by 10 o'clock in the good old days I just love to cuddle