Hi, 

Thinking of you and your children. I lost my husband to testicular cancer on 2nd Jan after an almost 2 year fight. He was 41. We also have 2 children - 2 girls aged 11 and 7. Still feel almost numb at the minute and want to feel him with me like he promised he'd be, but I just don't yet. Praying I will one day as need to know he's there and that one day I'll be back with him. Got his funeral to come on Wednesday and currently framing a photo for the top of the coffin and noting down eulogy ideas. All feels so surreal. Got to keep going for the girls though. Sure you know that feeling. Best wishes to you and your little ones. 

Hi, 

Thinking of you and your children. I lost my husband to testicular cancer on 2nd Jan after an almost 2 year fight. He was 41. We also have 2 children - 2 girls aged 11 and 7. Still feel almost numb at the minute and want to feel him with me like he promised he'd be, but I just don't yet. Praying I will one day as need to know he's there and that one day I'll be back with him. Got his funeral to come on Wednesday and currently framing a photo for the top of the coffin and noting down eulogy ideas. All feels so surreal. Got to keep going for the girls though. Sure you know that feeling. Best wishes to you and your little ones. 

Hello I know exactly what you're going throughI'm really sorry for your loss cancer is just horrible and obviously it affects The people who are left behind

 I think things will take a long time before we actually understand at all I'm much the same I walk round in limbo kind of like this can't be happening to me she's only popped out to the shop should be back soon but deep down we know what's happened and next time we'll see them as when we are up in heaven  to that's what my nine-year-old says anyway I hope it's true!  
funeral goes well Trust me you don't need to worry about it it's kind of like time stops just for a little while not really to say goodbye just to say that you love them and you had a short life but happy life 

i'm here if you do wanna talk I don't think I've ever met anyone from Newcastle because I'm from Southampton anyway trust me when I say I feel your pain that's without talking about the kids you're also grieving for the children I know I am I know they should have them and maybe it should've been me with the cancer! I love being on this website and I love talking to people sometimes when there is like radio silence I feel like oh my God what am I going to do next but the boys keep me busy

Hi, 

This is the first time I've been on here but it is so helpful to speak to someone going through this at the same time. People try to help with the things they say but sometimes seems to make it harder. Like they tell you it's fine because your loved one is still with you but I'm like, it's not fine. He wanted to be physically here with us and it's not the same. Totally get what you mean about grieving for the kids too. I keep thinking ahead to all the milestones to come and what Phil will miss and it breaks my heart. My 7 year old asked the other day what happens if she can't find her dad in heaven. So so sad for them. Worried about how they'll cope with the funeral too. Like you say though, they keep us going. I know I'd have gone with Phil if it wasn't for them. Promised him I'd look after them though so I always will. 

Just want to feel his presence and know he's there if you know what I mean. Don't really feel that yet. I talk to him all the time and hope he's listening. But want to really feel it. He promised he'd be with me, on my shoulder for me to talk to, but just feel kind of empty. Maybe it's because I've not really accepted it. Like when my phone beeps, for a split second I'll think he's texting me from hospital. He'd been in a lot for treatment this year so we're used to him being away from home, so I think my brain keeps trying to protect me by telling me he's there. 

Thank you so much for replying. Makes such a difference to talk to someone who understands. 

I completely understand about what you're saying about Wanting to feel him again that is really hard to understand because it's all you can have  if and when it comes I've had one dream in for weeks was lovely but was it real or was it my brain? I have to believe it was her it's all I have left or her .we really She gave herself completely to me and trusted me 100% I will never stop loving her!! 
people you talk to don't have a clue how you feel so don't worry! He has your best friend- daddy to his- girls - And you must not forget your lover all that fun  you had. I do feel you pain  I'm hurting just the same!!!

I think why did breast cancer have to get her we are good people my wife never deserved any of this or my boys 

we will never really understand why as hard as it is I want to be with her but I promised her are look after the boys so I will  I'm crying now still can't believe she's dead I know she is my brain won't  accept it dead means forever are never see her sexy body agin or lovely eyes  . I'm glad you're talking 

You're so right. They were our everything and unless people have been through it they don't understand. I even find it hard when Phil's parents tell me they feel the same as me because I just keep thinking you don't because you've still got each other. He was the strong one and he'd get me through anything so going through this without him is just unbearable.

I've always believed there's something after and we used to talk about sitting together on a cloud one day when this life is done and he said he'd stay with me so I have to believe he's here but it's just hard when I can't really sense him. Not sure what I expected to feel but didn't think it would be like this. Hope I get a dream soon. I did from my grandad just before our wedding and it felt so unlike any dream I've had before or since so I hope it happens again with Phil. Would mean so much. 

I'll always look after the girls but I've just cried so much today. Feel like there'll be happy moments to come with them in the future but that I'll never truly be happy. Then I feel guilty for thinking that because I want the girls to be happy but I feel like I'll always just feel incomplete. Like I'm wishing my life away now. I don't want to go now or any time soon for their sake but I almost wish I could fast forward to when it's my time. Sorry. I know that sounds awful. 

His parentsAre grieving it's completely different kind of grief from you they have lost a son you have lost  a husband in a way it's completely different but just the same because he has gone and is not coming back  I know that sentence was hard to read but that is where I am at the moment want something I can't have even if I've had it  lost everything ! I no my wife wants me to be happy and live live to the full but how can I with out her?  She would expect me to  she thought so hard to keep her life Sophie feels very wrong to end my life soon.

you will get a dream  and One day you'll be back sitting on the cloud together up in the sky 

We will be and that's what will keep me going. 

Your wife sounds like a lovely lady, a real fighter. Phil fought so hard too. Just wish they had both been able to win their battles. Feels so unfair, doesn't it? 

I will go on and know Phil wouldn't want me not to. Just can't imagine what it will be like and can't see happiness again. I know logically that there must be happy moments in the future with the girls but feel like there will always be that sense of wishing he was here too. 

How are your children doing? Mine are very up and down. They can distract themselves much better than me though. We all struggle at night time and they're staying up really late at the minute. Always one of them has a 'sore tummy' but think really it's them missing their dad. They take their cushions to bed with photos of him on and spray it with his aftershave. They're definitely keeping me going at the minute. So proud of them and he will be too. 

Sending love to you and your boys. 

 Sorry For the delay in replying I've just been swapping over the kids bedcovers  trying to keep busy or do something walking helps a lot  just to get outside feel the fresh air my 9 yet old is staying up late I let him  he plays his games  and it must  help forget a little bit! Then he sleeping in my  bed  do you like to be close to mummy his words he has mummies perfume on his teddy to sometimes when I smell it I cry again.

my life is a mess  I do miss woman's company a lot  but  as for sex and all that just not interested at all hope that kind of makes sense or maybe a  man thing ?

 On here  maybe 5 people have helped me so much  men and womenand if there was no lockdown I'd love to cuddle all of them I completely feel their pain and they  feel mine silly I no but my wife would be so happy I'm getting help and helping people on this site 

It's silly at all. Talking to you today has really helped me. I'm really grateful. Makes such a difference knowing someone understands and gets it. 

My girls slept in our bed last night. Was nice but I also like to chat to Phil when I go to bed so not sure I'll do that often. They share a room though so they aren't on their own at bedtime. 

We've not been out much yet. Really want to go to the coast, which we loved as a family. Only 15 mins in the car but with lockdown I'm not even sure we're allowed to go there to walk. Planning on getting a memorial bench down there eventually. Be a nice place to go to remember Phil. 

I can't even imagine having that side of life again with anyone else and not planning to. Figure I hit lucky and found the best 17 years ago so I've just got to be lucky for the time I had. 

Off to my parents for tea. We've bubbled with them as they live pretty much next door. It's helpful for the kids as they're really close to them. They lived there from Sept till 23rd Dec as Phil had a stem cell transplant in the summer so was really immune suppressed, and couldn't take the risk of covid once they went back to school. Wish now we had kept them home from school in September but we never imagined this was going to happen. Thought it had all worked until 4 weeks ago when he took ill and we found out it was back. All happened so fast in the end. 

Thanks again for chatting. Really does help. 

Remember I was saying earlier I wanted a sign he was there? I've been looking for 2 days for a necklace he got me for my 40th in the summer. Was getting really upset and asked him to help me find it. Found it within ten minutes in a drawer I've checked several times. He's here. 

 That's great news  I'm so pleased for you  yes he will always be with you we went looking for stars a few minutes ago  and only one star out Connor my oldest said look that's mummy s star  think he was right! 
 Your life and Family lifestyles seems just like mine We always went to the seaside as well we are again 15 minutes away by car always walking by the sea  or up a river.

A memorial bench by the sea it's a lovely idea  that's so sweet  great idea by the way.

Ah that's lovely with the star. Bless your lovely boy. Sure his mum is up there looking over you all with pride and love. We waited days to see the stars after Phil died. So many cloudy nights. He'd wanted to take them out into the countryside to look at the stars before he died but he didn't get time. Only days together after the bad news, not the weeks they expected. So many things we wanted to do together. I'll take them once lockdown is over. Not the same though is it? 

We all love the beach. The sea calms me like nothing else. Will definitely be back there a lot after lockdown. Phil and I took the kids there in the summer to watch the sunrise the day before he went into hospital for his stem cell treatment. A very special memory for us. 

My friend dropped the cards over for the funeral flowers earlier. No idea how to put everything into words. Need to start writing Phil's eulogy too. God knows if I'll get through it but I'll give it my best try. 

Girls are watching the Voice now and I'm willing no emotional songs to come on.