So my dad lost his courageous fight yesterday against the evil disease that is pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed with stage 4 at the beginning of November. 
I feel numb and lost. 
He was 81 and had a great life over which time he had made many special friends. Despite covid he had a brilliant summer doing things that he loved. 
I feel so guilty that I didn't spot the signs earlier - on occasions during the last year he said he was exhausted - but he did loads of strenuous gardening. He was tired after he had done loads of digging. So we all thought that it was just too much given his age. We had been telling him for years to slow down. 
I question that if we joined the dots earlier he might have been well enough for chemo and could still be with us now. I am gutted that we just didn't realise.
I feel angry that he was taken when he had so much to live for but I do know deep down how lucky he was to enjoy 81 years. I have read so many sad stories of loss on here where young children have been left without a parent, husbands left without wives and vice versa.  I can't begin to imagine how that must feel. 
In dads final weeks of his life I cared for him in his own home which he has lived in for over 50 years.  That was his dying wish and I am privileged that I was able to fulfil that. 
I have now moved back home to my family and going to start a new chapter with just a little bit of my heart missing which my precious dad is now looking after. 
I think I am posting today just to have some tips on how to deal with the guilt, anger and all the rollercoaster of emotions I am feeling. 
thankyou