Hi Alice, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, I have and am having similar experiences. I lost my mum after a year battling pancreatic cancer 3 months ago now, in the first couple weeks had all the same thoughts as you wrote down. I worried and stressed mostly over what every one else thought including my mum in heaven, rather then just dealing with grief in my own way. I cried more then I ever have in the first few days and then suddenly couldn't figure out why I wasn't continuing to be a mess for the next month etc. What has helped me personally was getting rid of social media, suddenly I felt a calmness but in a new way not feeling the pressure that I have to post anything about my mum, talk to anyone and pretend I'm crying, or just feeling the need to explain my grievance to anyone. Of course no one was forcing that on me they just care about me, but 3 months in I still cry now and then i don't question as much why I feel the ways I do, I just know I miss my mum everyday but she would be so happy I was doing ok to help the rest of my family through this. Which I'm sure every mum would feel the same ️