Hi, I am writing this because I am so lonely and it feels like I am going mad with all this stuck inside me. I am 27 and my mum was suddenly diagnosed with cancer on 23 January 2020. We found out a couple of weeks later it was terminal stomach cancer, and she only had 6-12 months left to live. My dad, brothers and I ended up giving her full-time palliative care as the pandemic began because there was no way we could visit if she went to a hospice. It was horrible and such a huge shock. She passed away in the family home in April.

I was studying at university and most of my friends were international students, so when COVID kicked in they all went home and never came back to the UK. At first people would check in with me and genuinely seem to care about how I was, but soon after the funeral in May it all stopped. People started ignoring my messages and cancelling our planned calls, and when we did call all they wanted to talk about was how hard the pandemic had been for them. By the time it got to how I was they always had an excuse to cut the call short. I had a counsellor at the university who suggested being honest with them about needing support, but when I did they withdrew even further. Most of my mates still in the UK (some even knew my mum) have also been really absent, meeting up without me and one said not to 'bring negative vibes to him' when I said had had a hard day. My brothers are constantly in a bad mood and always visiting their partners' so hardly ever around. Meanwhile, my dad is convinced he has had it harder than us all and hangs up on me when I phone crying sometimes (my mum was always the one who gave the emotional support). The only person who has really been there for me is my long-distance partner, but it's so hard as he has anxiety and works 6 days a week, so often he's stressed and it means we end up talking about his problems instead of mine.

I just can't believe how quickly my life has fallen apart. Uni wouldn't give me a safety net so I don't know how I managed to finish my degree (probably in a state of shock), and now I can't even get a job because of COVID and so I am struggling to afford the rent. I am terrified of going back to my family home because I feel even lonelier surrounded by people I can't talk to; they just chat about football and cars. Has anyone else a similar age lost someone so deeply close to them during the pandemic? And has been left feeling completely deserted by most of their support network? I feel so stupid for helping everyone for so many years and in my time of need so-called 'close friends' all shut the door... I wonder if it's the pandemic making people self-centred or whether this is a normal way 20-somethings treat grieving peers? 

It would be nice to feel like there are other people out there who know how hard it is. It is the worst thing that ever happened to me and it is like it happens all over again when no one else hears my pain. I have still never met anyone who lost a parent so young, it's like being all alone in the world.

Thanks x