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Struggling with grief of loosing dad

Angel206
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My dad passed away in October after a short battle with cancer . From the day of diagnosis we were told he had a return of bowel cancer that spread to the pancreas and gallbladder after being 6 years clear. Within 8 weeks he developed sepsis 3 times , the treatment couldn't be given due to sepsis and it spread like wild fire. On the Friday morning he was racing my daughter in his mobility scooter,  by the Friday afternoon he couldn't speak,  he wasn't making sense and was upset as in his words .. his brain and mouth weren't working together. By Monday morning he was on a driver , barely conscious and by Tuesday he had passed away. I helped my mum nurse him. For several hours he had this awful goo that smelt awful coming out of his nose and was breathing with an awful noise  . They gave him something to help dry up the fluid but it didn't work. My mum was so distressed I took charge and reassured dad he was OK, we were with him and cleaned him up . We had a different nurse come in a few hours later who turned him on his side and within an hour he passed away . What I want to know is what was fluid ? Why weren't we warned what was going to happen ?did he suffer because of the fluid ?he sounded like he was drowning . Why didn't the other nurses turn him on his side ? Why did it happen so quickly ? We were told we had 3 years and 8 weeks later he is gone.  Why ? Why was he unable to to say what he wanted when he was still to think but couldn't put it in words? Had it spread to his brain? Please tell me he wasn't in distress with the fluid coming out of his nose. I tried to reassure him as much as I could. Kept telling him I was there amd I had him , that I was looking after him. Could her hear me? 

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    Hi Angel,

    I lost my Dad in December and while I can't answer all of your questions, one thing I feel confident about is that your Dad probably wasn't in pain because of the fluid. My Dad also had this close to death and the nurses were absolutely sure that although it sounds and looks alarming, he could not have been in pain. It was because he was too weak to cough up secretions in his mouth/ throat and chest. It was like a loud gurgle or snore that sounded as though he was gasping for air.

    Like you, all we could do was reassure him of our presence and I hope that it meant more than it seemed. I have also been thinking about those final moments and if something else could have been done. Ultimately, i'll never know what Dad felt or thought but he knew the people he loved were there and I also doubt he felt pain as we imagine. 
    Im sorry I can't say a lot more, but you're not alone x

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    The noise is completely normal... and so is to give meds to clear the fluids.  
     

    yes he could hear you. 
     

    Your right, they don't tell you a lot... I was fortunate to have medical friends and relatives to answer questions at the time. 

  • Offline in reply to Billyb3

    my dad passed in july he didnt get the diver because they all cocked up, but i cant get rid off 2020 as i feel im turning my back on him and shutting the door on him :-( , i had a meltdown and told my husband but got told i need to stop as will just get the mindsett of always crying when i think about dad , im not like that i do smile .

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