I lost my wife to cancer recently and I have never felt so alone. I am experiencing all kinds of extreme emotions from grief to guilt. I really want to connect and talk to others who have been through this terrible period.
Morning everyone I'm awake and have been hit by that train again that hits me every morning Sleep seems my only escape from all this torture /pain can't take much more of it
Hey mate! Don't know if it's going to help but when I wake up the TV/radio is on in my bedroom (usually 24 hr news or something) and it is one distraction for me. Another is to find things on the internet with my mobile to distract me.
This morning I somehow managed to avoid that train (not sure how long it will last). Everytime my mind tried to get me to look at Rossella I really tried to avoid it and found a distraction quickly. I have avoided looking at her woollen hat next to me this morning as well because yesterday morning was unbearable.
I am running 'avoidance' - trying to keep the 'tiger' at a distance.
How long it will last I don't know but this morning better than yesterday for sure.
Well done mate are try leaving the tv on or something worth a try! Yes I don't understand why my mind wants me to look a pictures of her on my phone I try not to look then I find myself doing it Why do I put myself in more pain ??maybe it's because I feel guilty it I'm not crying for her either way I'm a mess. This kind of describes me a few weeks ago I felt I was king of The jungle( a big male loin) looking over and protecting his family and of course my lovely wife Was helping and even looking after me that gave me my amazing strength!! But now it feels like I'm a tiny mouse with only one job to do look after my children (but how in this great big world we live in) feel s so scared never felt like this before I guessed me now amouse means I'm easy pickings for anybody to eat then I have let my wife down and failed for my children also
The mind can be so cruel. It is a very tricky thing. Now it is playing another terrible trick on me - the trick of absence. Now when I look at destinations and landscapes and I imagine myself walking the mind is making me feeling guilty for her not being there with me. It is putting Rossella there next to me holding my hand - how she would have loved the nature. She never wanted me to be alone on a trek - she was so worried for me being alone and not coming back to her. But what about Rossella??? She was so considerate - much more than me.
It is so important that you look after yourself Chris - you have to somehow put yourself first so you can take care of your children properly. Your mind has to somehow get to the right place for them. Easy to say I know and seems impossible.
How else will my mind creep up on me??
We are in a battle with ourselves I think - sounds crazy.
Hi Chris and Richard, I have been following your posts and thought I would answer you. Firstly let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your wife's. My wife died of cancer July 2019. 18 months ago last Saturday all the things you say ,looking at pictures, doing the shopping driving on your own in the car, nothing seems to be good or joyful anymore. I find after 18 months the loneliness is the worst part of it all. Coming back to an empty house , sitting watching the tv in the evening on your own. Every night I go to bed I say to Winnie's photo that's another day done , one day closer to being with you again. I wish I could say it gets easier, maybe in time it will , but at the moment I hate this new life we have been given . Take care.
Hi Mike, I am so so sorry for your loss and really sorry that you too are consumed by this situation. Feel free to share anything here I think it helps to get it out amongst people who get it.
Everything you say is also true for me - some of my friends have asked me if I'm going to sell up and move to a different place - I guess they know that to keep coming back to our flat will just keep putting me back into the pain of absence. It is something i will probably do in the future - just so hard because we built this life together and none of us want to let them go in any way. We are building our own mausoleums for our loved ones.
We just never want to let go do we? We want to keep hold in the physical world.
Having a Constant battle with ourselves is exactly right mate I think that is grieving? No one can say you make you feel any better or change anything so I think that's the point it's myself as myself wich one will win f know s??
I seem to sort the boys out can even do the homeschooling witch is so hard most of me wants to think about martyne and forget about school work then its like I get a visit from her deep down I no she wants me to look after the boys and do school stuff so I find a way because I'm so scared of letting her down !
I know your feeling low mate about maybe travelling without her but it's going to be like that even in the local shop! In time your know what's right for you sound *** but it's all we can do x
Hi mike I'm so sorry for your loss nothing can prepare you for this nothing at all! I no my wife had cancer never thought she would die I guess I always kind of thought there be treatment And we build a life together building a family then one day our wives gone forever so hard to understand why? Like Richard said talking to each other helps here for you as well
Well done mate for sorting out the boys !! Proud of you.
And let's ****** hope we both win somehow.
For me I've decided to keep Rossella alive in every way with me. In India I will light candles for her everywhere in the most holy places. I don't want her to forget about me - want her to hear me calling all the time. To hear my soul calling to her always until we are together again. I will not be cheated of the life I should have had - it will be perfect next time.
