I'm sorry You can do this, your wife would want you to be strong, just think of how strong she was through her diagnosis sending you naughty pictures, we can do this. 
 

do you have family support to help with the children? Maybe sometime in your own would be good, are the hospice providing any bereavement support? I'm waiting for it they said they usually start about 8 weeks after but there is family support who I can talk too also does the hospice your wife was at have a similar support system?
 

A Christmas card turned up for us both yesterday from my aunty and uncle and in the same lot of post a sympathy card from them both too, the post has been delayed due to Christmas so there was lots of post for him yesterday. Most I just chucked in the bin. 

totally unrelated but my legs and hips are aching after that long dog walk through the mud yesterday! My gorgeous joules wellies have mud all over them! I'm going to clean them today their too pretty to be covered in mud  

Your right she thought so hard all the way through and loved life and sending her pics for me to see like I said even so close to her end  what a wonderful women yes I have lots of family support with is lovely on both sides of the family. Hospice dose offer all that but not said I want it yet I find talking on hear more Real and the counsellors just trained into know what to say whereas people like you and me are going through this the start of your last text made me cry happy tears no counsellor could do that you have picked me up and our helping me through all this hope that don't creep you out . Walking in the mud is fun  shame about your welly boots 

Not creeped out at all it's been good for me too, I had a little cry last night too, councillors will be able to help us understand our feelings but sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who actually knows what your going through.

I have been emailing the nurses at the pancreatic cancer charity since Lewis was diagnosed and it's been really helpful to me just to get things off my chest ask questions or just talk about mundane things.  

That's a good idea Emailing the nurses about thing  not sure what  I would no what to ask  what kind of mundane things? I just put the 2 year old down for a nap funeral directors wants me to find Close that she would want to be wearing  don't want to do this it's all so wrong in every way . Today is a horrible day for me thank you for listening 

Meant to say choose clothes for her

I would just ask them about his symptoms what to expect etc,  medications they would use how they help, they would ask how I am coping family and stuff, today they asked how I was sleeping asking about funeral plans, I even talked to them about my sisters dog- she usually hates me and growls when I go near one of the kids but at Christmas she come over for a stroke and asked for tummy rubs which was most unusual I said I thought Lewis had been and had a word with her. 
 

im picking something for Lewis to wear too, I bought him a camouflage zipped hoody for Christmas which he really wanted so he is going to wear that with a nice t shirt and jeans. I won't see him in his clothes but I know he would want to look nice, I'm not planning the funeral I don't have the money to pay for anything so his family are so this is something I can do towards it. I'm sure you will find something she would like to wear there will be something in the wardrobe that she felt good wearing and was comfortable in. 

All done  like you said I went with everyday comfy Clothes  thing she would wear on a school run  and if she could walk through the front door now  I know this is what should be wearing  brown ankle boots/socks/bluejeans bright pink jumper and of course sexy underwear sound like you have chosen good stuff to x

Its a hard job choosing clothes but it sounds like you have picked well I'm sure she will be lovely and comfortable.

Thank you! What songs did Lewis like?  

Lewis loved ac/dc, Jimi Hendrix, pink floyd queen and more modern music like foo fighters, Bruno Mars Ed sheran. He always said he wanted a specific pink floyd song at his funeral, and I could not remember what it was called but when I played the albums for him in hospital I recognised the song. 
 

lewis was amazing he suffered hearing loss as a child had maybe 10% hearing in one ear and used a bone conduction hearing aid, a little box buzzed on his skull it sounds like a bad radio. However despite all this he was a brilliant musician he has several guitars and is able to play almost any instrument he touched! He tried to teach me but I was only able to be half decent at a couple of small bits of songs, smoke on the water and another one bites the dust. 
 

there's a funny story Lewis loved Whitney Houston he called her my Whitney and his favourite movie was the bodyguard I bought him a Whitney album for his birthday one year, his family did not know this about him so that made them chuckle thinking he was a rock and roll man.