The funeral is next Thursday. I'm really not looking forward to it. 
I actually don't even want to go, like I will be there but I just want to sit outside while it happens I can't bare the thought of sitting there staring at him in the ugly coffin his mum chose. 
His family have arranged and paid for everything as this is not something you would ever think of or have the money for at 34 and 37. It's just not what I would have wanted for him so I will do my own thing, sit with him and play music talk rubbish watch an episode of friends or something.

Watching friends  what a lovely idea  of you want to do your own thing  why not go and do both  I think you should go if you  can  but it's up to you. It's a shame his mum took over  in sorting  it  out that's not good. For you   I understand  about the money  if you  were married  you can get money  from the government  widow pension about £3500 and a few monthly payments as will we never claimed for anything so I did for once  it's only money but helps but can't bring them back 

Yes the funeral is costing almost £4000! Lewis would not want all that spent on that but it's not my money.

Yes I found out about the bereavement support payment but not being married I'm not entitled, it's silly because the hospital recognised me as next of kin but I was unable to register his death or anything like that. He did name me as a beneficiary of his pension but I need to ring them as all his accounts and stuff are going through probate, I don't even want the money to be honest. I just don't want people to come and take his stuff away to settle accounts if they can use the money from the pension to keep them away. 

I understand what you're saying I would do the same if I'm honest? It must me hard for you  but please remember Lewis   Love you for who you are  I bet he wanted to get married?  Lewis  is probably  thinking mum dad  don't spend all that money just look after Lisa  she is the love of my life .

Yes after he got the diagnosis we were like let's just go and get married, he would say I want to marry the woman of my dreams as his bucket list. He said we would wait a few months as it was ramping up with covid so no weddings were taking place. When he was in the hospital I bought myself a cheap wedding dress, he never knew. I know you can get married in hospital when your really unwell but because he had lots of issues with the electrolytes in his bloods he was quite confused most of the time and I did not want to get married in that way.

he would definitely say for them not to waste the money and to give it to me, he would always say I need to get you set up if something happens to me, that's why he done his pension, he asked him family to look after me when he went. 
This is the second times I've been engaged now, the first guy cheated on me! And now Lewis left too early I feel cursed. 

I'm so sorry that you bought a wedding dress that's such a shame I really do feel your pain. I guess at least I've got the memories of when we were looking for wedding dresses and she fell in love with the first one to put on I know I'm not meant to be there when she chooses but I was and it was perfect. If it makes you feel any better my ex cheated on me  then soon after met my wife and you no the rest of the story 

It was actually a real bargain £20 I think just a gold colour maxi dress with sparkles, actually looked really nice and was pretty much what I would of wanted from a long dress, I also liked with idea of knee length dress. 
 

I met Lewis right after the cheating scum bag too, I was not looking for anything and was just messing about on plenty of fish swiping on people and swiped on Lewis, we met up for a drink and just talked for hours we ended up having dinner and went home later in the evening. I was his first proper date first girlfriend and everything. At least no one else can have him now. 

I no what you mean about no one having him, but he wanted you only you!   And if the ex  did not  cheat you would never of met Lewis 

 Yes me to