I'm so pleased you had a dream  you needed that  as for seeing a robin again  that's great to infect everything you said is great  with the money  raised to beat cancer you go girl I'm happy for you. I feel the same about people allowed  in at funeral I'm so worried about it to

I've gone down right down in about 10 minutes I thought I was ok but now crying again  why did my wife get *** cancer  she always said why not me  I've lost all her strength again 

I'm having a bad night so far I'm going up and down like a yo-yo  at the mo I'm near the bottom I just wast to be with her is she ok  why did she have to get Brest cancer

I've gone right down so fast why did cancer kill my wife? She wold say why not me ! 

I know I'm like why my Lewis! But he would say I took it so you would be safe, he would always see the adverts saying 1 in 2 will get cancer and he would say I will take the cancer so you can be safe even in the few weeks before he was diagnosed he said it, and after he said I've got it so you should be safe now. He never said why me. The only way I can see anything half decent from it all is Lewis was terrified of covid he never went out to shop since it started he hated wearing masks it gave him major anxiety, and being immunosuppressed in the middle of this crap right now he would be so scared. The only reason his cancer was as advanced as it was as he was scared to go to hospital and he said he would not want any operations not that he was suitable for an operation anyway. He would not want to be around right now and he is safe wherever he is now. No more harm can come to him, he's not in any more pain and not suffering anymore. 

Thank you your message dose make me feel better  my wife  is just the same as Lewis all his kind words for you just the same as my wife  I no she was so I love with me   And I was so I love with her  just hurts  that she is gone  just wish I could have her in our bed even one more night  miss everything about her she did so much for me  being a mum / amazing cook / amazing sex/ amazing best friend  now she is gone   And I'm so sad  

You lucky man! I think Lewis only cooked once or twice he said if I planned on eating anything he should not be cooking it! I did show him how to bake cakes and icing them which he enjoyed. 
everyone has said to me you two looked so in love, I've been going through his phone uploading pictures to google drive so I don't loose them I found silly snapchat videos of him telling me he loves me or when he's secretly filmed me singing while washing up. 
I remember the last night he spent in bed with me was the night he had the blood clot in his lung as I had to call the ambulance. He came home after over a week in hospital but by the time he came home his legs were swelling due to tumours in his liver obstructing the flow of fluid from the legs and then he could not get his legs up on the bed. I had to call the hospice line over that weekend and they ordered a hospital bed but it did not come for a few days so we both ended up sleeping in the lounge together. 

Im so sad too but I have to keep reminding myself he had enough and it would be selfish of me to want him here in pain and suffering. His family said I made him so happy and he had the best years of his life with me, he achieved lots of life goals with me, move out before his brother, have a 55 inch tv, go on holiday, have lots of guitars, he never even had eaten nachos before he met me so I really opened his eyes! 
 

Morning I'm a little better today  your text about  you making Lewis happy And the fact it was his best days of his life kind of make me feel the same with my wife she was so in love with me  but can't help but feel sad  for me she was my life I just keep on going round and round and round 

Yes I understand the past 6 months have been all about Lewis taking him to appointments trying different medications, caring for him so now he's gone my life feels like it has no purpose. At least you have your children. Have you got a support bubble? 

I know I will get there but it will take time and lockdown won't make it any easier but not a lot I can do about that.