Dear Miss Fox,

I lost my Mum too - but 2 years ago now. I can’t say anything to help . I Just wanted you to know I read this and am sending you my thoughts .. xxx 

Hello Missfox91,

I am so sorry for your loss. I have also recently lost my mum after taking care of her for a number of years, and like your mum she deteriorated very quickly. I really struggled to get help. It sounds like your mum's GP let you down, as did my mum's. I hope, when you are ready, you make a formal complaint. I was not prepared for my mum to deteriorate so quickly and it sounds as though you weren't either. I don't understand why carers aren't more supported by GPs. Maybe some are, but my mum's GP was no help at all. I feel really guilty that my mum suffered more than she needed to. Maybe we all feel this way. We only wanted to do the best we could. I feel guilty as I was out of the room until my mum's very last moments. It is so hard. You did your best for your mum and I am sure she knew that. We can't change what happened but we can know there is peace after pain. I am sending you big hugs as I know how it feels. xxxx

Hi Miss Fox,

I just had to reply to you as your story sounds so similar to mine. I lost my mum at the beginning of May; I'd moved in and cared for her for 12 weeks until she passed away and, like you, I had no idea how close to the end she was on her last few days.

For months since losing her I tortured myself as when she was breathless I should have sat her up but I didn't - I thought she looked more comfortable laying on her side, on a slight incline. She couldn't talk by that point so I just did what I thought might be best, but afterwards I thought how stupid I'd been - if someone is breathless they are probably more comfortable sitting up, not resting back. If I'd known how close to the end she was I would have asked for help from MacMillan and they would have known and made her more comfortable. I've beaten myself up about this for so many months since May, feeling so guilty, hoping my mum forgives me, but after researching it, I read something which gave me some hope, and I think it might help you too...

When someone has a lack of oxygen at the end of their life and they're making those funny noises in their throat (death rattle I think it's known as), it looks very distressing to loved ones, but actually the lack of oxygen is very likely to have triggered a brain response close to near death experience - a beautiful, peaceful feeling, calm and comforting. It's likely that our mum's 'saw' loved ones that had passed, maybe beautiful gardens or even loving beings.

Please don't beat yourself up any longer. Being at home caring for a dying loved one during lockdown with minimal outside support is a very scary experience and a massive responsibility. Give yourself a pat on the back. Neither of us are professional nurses but we loved our mums and we did the best we possibly could in difficult circumstances.

I miss my mum so much, particularly today, but I'm glad she's at peace now and no longer in pain. It's just us left behind that have to get through the days without them.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.

I hope everyone on here that's lost someone to this horrible disease, gets through the day being as kind to themselves as possible xxx 

Hi Mousegirl21,

Like you I am finding it hard after losing my mum. She passed away last week. I knew she was end of life, but as she got worse so quickly I didn't realize she was so close to the end. Like you I didn't know what to expect. I never got any support from the GP,  just some medication prescribed. I do feel guilty and that I could have done more. Like you I miss my mum every day.lt is tough without them. Life will never be the same again.

Hi Missfox91

Hope you are ok today. Look after yourself. You loved your mum, the proof of that is how much you cared for her, looking after her for so long. Take care xxx

Thank you so much for your lovely reply I'm glad mum is no longer suffering I just wish so much I could of done more that last day, iv barely slept since every time I close my eyes I see her struggling to breath asking for help and it breaks my heart I really hope she was at peace and saw family her mum and dad maybe,  it's only been a few days one minute I'm ok ish distracting myself with my daughter and family I haven't seen them properly for months the next I just want to run to my mums house to feel closer to her I don't expect to feel normal for a while I'm just hoping the nightmares stop I hate seeing her in pain over and over I want to remember the good times we had so many it's horrible that this is the memory that is sticking at the moment thank you again tho I really really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me  

Thank you all so so much for taking time out of your days especially near and on Christmas to try and offer me some comfort I'm absolutely amazed how many kind souls there are and I appreciate every single reply thank you! 

Thank you so much for your replies sorry I didn't get round to messaging you yesterday husband was trying to keep me busy. Guess to keep my mind off things but all I wanted to do was get in bed and cry like a baby, your absolutely right the gps need to help people more we are not nurses I wasn't warned at all that mum was anywhere near the end McMillan had been in the Friday and told me mum was ok no changes since the fortnight before if I had have known I would have don't everything I could to make sure she was comfortable and didn't have to suffer like that I'm barely sleeping still I see my mums face every time I fall asleep and not how I want to remember her the thought of going through her house to sort it is just impossible for me right now but I know I don't have long to do it so need to get on with it I'm really sorry you had a similar experience to me I know how truly awful it is I genuinely feel traumatised one week they are fine (yes they have cancer but still ok) the next they are grasping for dear life I'm so angry at her dr I feel if she had come when she said she would mum wouldn't have had to suffer for 6 hours the ambulance wouldn't have had to sit with me for hours they were genuinely upset they couldn't do anything to help other than offer oxygen but she wouldn't take it. Anyway I hope you had a good Christmas well the best you can given the circumstances x

My mum died 4 weeks ago and we never had any support from the gp.

Mum deteriorated very quickly from being able to walk and swallow in the morning to having lost these abilities by 5pm. We had to call ambulance and paramedics and they were asking what care plan was in.place and where are the 'just in case' medicines. Apparently we needed to ask for this which we were never told when she was released from hospital treatments 6 weeks before.

It was traumatic and I had to get the just in case meds from the midnight pharmacy.

I feel like I should have done more too and should have asked about a care plan.

Dont blame yourself, it feels like a breakdown in communication when handed back into gp care after treatment ended.