Hi.

My grandad passed away from bone cancer on the 30th November 2020, so it's only been just over a fortnight that I have been dealing with my grief. I am not processing things well. I am a full-time MA student in university and I work part-time but I am struggling to juggle these whilst also trying to look after myself. That being said, I have made the executive decision to hand my notice in to work in the new year. This isn't a rushed decision because I have been thinking about it for a few months now, but this has tipped me over the edge. On his death bed, my grandad told me not to give up on my master's degree. He told me that he wants me to finish my studies, to keep making him proud, and I know in order to do this I have to leave work. 

He was one of my best friends in the entire world and my heart hurts so much. I am so sad - to the point where I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. All of my friends keep telling me that 'he's in a better place now' and that I need to 'stay strong' which, I know, is just them trying to be helpful, but truthfully, it is just making things worse. I don't see how I am ever going to 'stay strong' when my life feels like it is falling apart, and my grief is so all-encompassing that I don't know what to do. I am also currently in isolation so my mind is running overdrive and I know things will become a bit more manageable when I can take myself out for a bike ride to clear my head a bit.

I am so scared of facing life without him. My Nan isn't coping well either, and she has a myriad of health problems that we also need to worry about. We're saving that for another day, though. We are surrounding her with so much love and care and I know she's trying her hardest to keep going, but it is really hard to try and be there for her and the rest of my family when I am feeling so much grief myself. I am struggling to eat and I constantly feel sick. In reality, I feel like I have fallen head first into a pit of despair and I don't see how I am going to get out of it.