I can’t bear the thought of another year without my mum

Hi all

I have seen so many posts on here tonight about people missing their mums, mostly who recently died and the initial shock, overwhelming grief and shock that comes with it but for me, I'm 19 months down the line since my mum died in May 2019 and the thought of it being 2 years in 2021 is overwhelming for me. I can't believe how quick the time has gone, I can't believe I have already lived so much life without her.

My mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in May 2016, diagnosed incurable spread to her lungs, bowel and liver. She had one big operation after a lot of chemotherapy to shrink the tumours, suffered a tremendous amount throughout with infections etc and had a lot of trial drugs. She seemed to be doing ok and then suddenly things took a turn, she had a full bowel obstruction and we spent 21 days in a hospice watching her die. Those times haunt me, I've had counselling to deal with the anger I initially felt but I just feel so traumatised by some of the experiences we went through. She also died 4 days after my 26th birthday and although my birthday was strange this year anyway due to Covid, all I could think about was the anniversary.

It frightens me and makes my heart ache that I am going to live more of my life without her than I did with her (as long as I make it past 50!) and that I am so unable to forget those horrible days that I am forgetting the good times. I'm also so scared of losing my dad as well now, or anyone else really because I am absolutely petrified of death because of all of this even though I know it will happen one day I feel my chest panic when I think about myself dieing one day

I miss my mum so much, I want time to stop, I am so scared I will forget her laugh, or the sound of her voice because how has it possible already to have been 19 months without her.

is it normal that I feel lik this even now? Does it ever get easier?? Or do you just learn to live with it??
m x

lindajulie over 5 years ago

Hi Michaela93,
Your post above could have been mine, with slight variations. I am in my mid 30s. Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2015, and underwent rounds and rounds of chemo, radiotherapy, and trial drugs, which initially kept the cancer at bay, but then started to fail earlier this year. She battled infections, pain, and weight loss, but she was defiant. We had hoped to keep fighting, but 4 weeks ago, a scan found she had a cancerous blockage in her stomach which meant she could no longer eat. It was game over. We had to slowly watch her die through nil by mouth. It took a week. It was just so heart breaking and just seemed so wrong and unfair. We so badly wanted them to operate, but they said she'd die on the operating table. It was hard to accept, but we knew they were right.
Although mum's death was peaceful, the images of her in hospital, the tubes, the weight loss, the scared look in her eyes, and her subsequent death will haunt me for a long time. I've never seen someone's decline like that before.. and it scares me of what is to come. Maybe my dad will be next, or my husband... then me. It's horrifying. Death is not pretty. It might be painless, and I believe for my mum it was painless, but it's not pretty.
Was your mum also nil by mouth? Were they unable to operate?
I also miss my mum so much and I've cried so much in the last 4 weeks. But I also try to think of the good times I had with her over the years, the memories we made, and remember that she did have a fantastic life. I hope that in time things will get a little easier. Others have told me it does. Not the missing them, but the raw pain subsides. It just takes time.
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I can’t bear the thought of another year without my mum

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