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Lost my mum to ovarian cancer

catherine091
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Hi all, 

 

I've found from behind the scenes this form to provide a level of comfort. My wonderful mum suffered from advanced ovarian cancer for the last 6.5 years. She truly was an incredible woman who fought this disease tooth and nail. Unfortunately on October 23rd after my mum had suffered a stroke they found the cancer on her brain. They gave her 3 months to live but she passed away a month later on 23rd November. 

 

 

Mum was brought home to us on 6th November. She worsened rapidly after her first night home and I'm not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing but I was granted time off work to care for her, I was with her everyday, almost obsessively. I'd get up at all hours of the night incase she needed food or a drink, I was also with her when she took her very last breath. She died in my arms and I am struggling to comprehend life without mum. I'm 29 and I feel as if I need her more than I ever thought. 6 days on I feel riddled with guilt and to make matters worse my dad is completely pushing me away. I want to be there for him but it feels as if every effort I make is completely unappreciated and he is not interested in anyone elses expressions of sympathy. He hasn't asked once how I am doing and I just feel as if I am in his way and more of an irritant than a support. I feel in a strange way as if I have lost both parents. My dad is hurting badly, he was devoted to my mum and they had been married for 40 years. I really so feel for him so badly and hate to think of what he is also going through but I genuinely feel he doesn't want me around and it's tough to feel so rejected when I am also grieving the loss of my mother. 

 

My mum was genuinely inspiratational, throughout her entire illness she never complained once. She was a true ray of light and I feel so blessed to have had her as my mum, but also so, so lost without her. 

 

I am going to see my mum tomorrow for the first time since she passed, dad has said that he would prefer me to go first. It just really made me feel as if I have lost all source of protection. I made my mum a promise before she passed I would take care of everything and everyone she may be worried to leave, I have a truly wonderful partner who I am so grateful for but I feel as if I've lost everything. 

 

Any advice on how to get through this and also support my dad woud be very much appreciated. 

 

Take care everyone, and my deepest thoughts are with anyone else who is suffering the loss of their mother. 

 

Catherine x 

 

 

  • Hi Catherine,

    Firstly I'm so sorry to read about your mum and what you are going through - I can only imagine how difficult this must be. I'm glad that the forum has offered some support to you previously and that you have been able to post here about this.

    The grief process is incredibly hard and no doubt you will experience a whole range of different things - but it sounds as if you have no reason to feel guilty, and that you did so much to care for your mum.

    It also sounds as if your dad is experiencing his own version of grief - which isn't necessarily right or helpful, but it may simply be his way of adjusting, and hopefully in time you will be able to talk to each other more and feel closer again. I'm sure he knows how much you care, and in time I'm sure things will become easier with him.

    It's lovely to hear that you have a supportive partner. Try to keep speaking to others about this and how you feel - whether it is your partner or others close to you, or us on this forum. We are always here for support and I know there are others here who have been through, or are going through, someting similar.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi Catherine

    I'm so sorry to hear about the trauma you have gone through. My mum has also just passed away - 27 November - after a short, but cruel battle with breast cancer that had spread to her liver, colon and lungs. From diagnosis to end it was just over 7 wks and she was finally given just 3 weeks to live on 2 November after all her tumours had been detected. She was just 70 yrs, a 'young' 70, she  didn't drink, smoke and she gardened in the fresh air ever day. It was a massive shock.

     

    The breakneck speed of her decline has given me and my stepdad no time to process anything about her illness. We agreed to look after her at home, but like you, we found the final stages overwhelming and traumatising. I'm not sure we'll ever get over the terminal agrivation she suffered, along with the lack of dignity she endured because we were not allowed to lift her out of bed to go to the toilet. People imagine a cancer death to be peaceful, but this was anything but. We wouldn't see pets suffer the way mum suffered.

     

    The way I'm getting through it right now is throwing myself into the funeral arrangements, sorting through mum's life's laundry and supporting my stepdad - which is easier than being pushed away, I know. Long term though I'm really worried about him as they've been inseparable for over 40 yrs.  I live 3 hours away, so I'm staying here, but my kids are missing me and like you, I've been off work a month. 
     

    So although we can draw a lot of comparisons, I don't have any good advice right now, only take comfort from your lovely partner and allow yourself you grieve for and miss your mum. It's likely that if she's inspired you, she has taught you to be a wonderful mother too. What's more, you were a incredible daughter who stepped up in her darkest hour, and although it doesn't feel like it now, it's given you the wisdom and resilience should you ever need to dig really deep again at another stage in your life. Your dad is possibly feeling hurt that there was nothing he could do to save your mum in the end, and perhaps he feels he's let you down too? The only way he can handle it is to withdraw.
     

    I hope things start to get easier. Write again. Take care, Emma  

  • Offline in reply to EmmaSJ

    Hi Emma, 

     

    Gosh your experience holds so many similarities. I am so sorry to hear what you and your step dad have been through, and your lovely mum. My mum was exactly the same, didn't smoke, didn't drink excessively and still loved working. She was 65 and I am struggling with the unfairness of it all. 

     

    You are right in what you're saying, I struggled too with the lack of dignity. Although I've no doubt both of our mum's took a lot of comfort from being at home with loved ones watching her lose every ounce of ability so quickly was really a difficult pill to swallow. Mum's appeitite had gone completely but she did enjoy very little bits of food every few days and I loved helping her drink cups of tea every now and again. In mum's last few days she completely stopped eating/drinking, I don't know if your mum was the same but it was torturous. I would wake up all hours of the night to offer her drinks just incase she was thirsty. 

     

    Mum passed away with us with her. It was a few hours I will probably never forget and I have been feeling quite haunted by those last few hours. However, and it is so personal, I have found visiting mum at her chapel of rest is helping slightly. She looks very peaceful and really beautiful in her favourite clothes. Although I don't want it to be the overwhelming image of mum in my head, it is definitely nicer than my previous final image. Perhaps you may get some comfort from this too if it is something you want to do. 

     

    I am sure both of our mum's felt the love from their daughters in their final days, and as much as it was very difficult, I am so glad I got the opportunity to care for her. I'm sure for you too that will bring you some level of comfort as time goes on, my thoughts are with you and your step-dad, let me know how you are getting on. I have also been doing what I can to help with funeral arrangements but it is also important to have a little bit of time to yourself to process what's happened. Remember to take each day as it comes. 

     

    Take care, 

     

    Catherine x 

  • Offline in reply to catherine091

    Hi Catherine and Emma, 

    I just read your posts and was struck by how similar it was to my own experience of losing my amazing mum 7 months ago to uterine sarcoma. She was more or less ok until the final 3 weeks (diagnosed 10 months before she passed) and then it's exactly as you describe - complete loss of appetite etc. She was in hospital for a few days during the first lockdown. I live in the USA and flew back as the doctors said they was nothing more they could do and were sending her home. She had walked into the urgent care of the hospital herself for what we thought was just an x ray but they admitted her. Those 4 days she got so weak and sick that they had to carry her back into the house. She was so so sick vomiting bile and unable to use the bathroom. Fortunately we had amazing carers and nurses who came home to help us. Within 6 days she passed away. She was in a lot of pain the last 24 hours and so I didnn't move her in bed - even how I think about how I wasn't holding her when she died as you say. She was also relatively young - only 71 and other than this, very healthy her whole life. Didn't drink or smoke, ate very healthy and very active. It was such a shock to see her like that. I feel very haunted by it too.  

    Like you, I was very close to my Mum. And I'm single, no kids. She was my best friend. I'm not close to my dad. I will say that although we have had our moments the last months since she passed and he has infuriated me, on the whole I feel closer to him than I ever have before. Its nothing like my mum but it's better than I expected. The dynamic does improve over time, I think. 

    I wish I could tell you that it gets easier. I don't know that it does. I still think about my beautiful mum all the time. I really miss her and I also dwell on the last week and those awful images of her like that. I used to wake up in the middle of the night all the time feeling like I had been punched in the gut. That feeling is a bit better but it still happens. I also went through a phase of feeling like I was getting sick too - apparently imagining that the same symptoms and illness could be developing is a common health anxiety when you see someone close to you get so ill. I finally went and had a lot of health checks to help reassure myself. 

    The milestone days are very hard - since she passed we have had to deal with her birthday, what would have been my parents' 50th wedding anniversary and countless other big dates. And now Christmas is coming up of course and she loved this time of year. 

    I think the only advice I can give is just do whatever you feel like. If you want to talk about her all the time, you should. I have found people who have suffered losses themselves to be the most helpful at this time rather than random passing advice from friends or family who haven't been through any grief. I have also felt a lot of anger towards friends who I have felt haven't done enough. Some have really stepped up, but not everyone. You do really learn who people are when something like this happens. Also weirdly, this forum and the Refuge in Grief instagram has been reassuring. The other thing that helps is the honest truth that we were lucky enough to have such lovely mums that we are affected so profoundly. Not everyone is so fortunate enough to have had mums like ours. 

    Sending lots of love, R

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