Hi all, my father died yesterday after a 3 year battle with bowel cancer. His chemo treatment stopped working a month ago and he chose not to continue with the treatment and die on his own terms. 

Myself, my brother and mother in law cared for him in his last week's, we took it in turns doing the "night shift" incase he needed help over night. 

On what was to be his last night I was with him, my dad's breathing had become laboured throughout the day and the horrible rattle had begun due to him not having the strength to clear it. I sat with him until around 11pm / midnight when I moved over to the sofa across from his bed to get some sleep as he was generally settled and said he didn't need anything. I woke again at 3, helped him have some water / use the toilet and then went back to sleep at 4. 

I was awoken at 7 when my mother in law came into the room to see him, I went over and he had gone from a rattle and laboured breathing to extremely laboured with a loud rattle, his eyes were half open and he was clearly suffering. We looked at eachother and knew it was coming, I went to ring my brother to come quickly, my dad passed away holding my step mums hand not 15 minute's later. 

I am absolutely distraught with guilt that he spent time on his final night on this planet without me by his side holding his hand. That I went to sleep, that I didn't even stay awake for one night to spend the night by his side. Had I done, I would have seen the fast deterioration. I'm so worried he felt scared in those last few hours whilst I slept. I'm angry I couldn't even give my dad one night of my life to hold his hand all night long. I feel so selfish. His face at 7am will haunt me forever, my dad was suffering and I slept peacefully on the sofa across from him. All he wanted was to die peacefully and not be alone. I left him alone for those hours I was asleep. I can't shake this feeling. 

Dean.