My dear Mum passed away from what was believed to be a stroke bought on by complications from her cancer treatment on November 1st 2020.

I was by her bedside for two and a half days only leaving to go to the toilet or have a drink of water, and when I layed down near her to sleep for an hour, but when the Nurses came in to change her bedding (they had done this 2 or 3 times before) I left the room for 5 minutes but when I came back she was gone. I was holding her hand, I didn't want to see her go but I didn't want to not be there in fear of the worst. I see her beautiful face as I'm typing this and I just choke up. She was only 57 years young. My Mum was also diagnosed with MS in 2006 which made her even weaker.

I love her so very very very much, I'm 25 years old and I've lived with her since the day I was first conceived. She has gone through everything to support me, but I feel so low knowing just how hard I made things for her.

I'm on the Autistic spectrum, I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome in 1998 when I was three years old. Growing up my Mum had to deal with so much, she looked after me and looked out for me even when I was angry, aggressive and hostile towards her. I scived off school for years and I couldn't cope with being near groups of people and I would complain, stress out and take it out on Mum when she tried to make me go to school.

She has had to deal with me and my destructive behaviour 24/7 as well as look after my sister who is three years my junior, my Nan who became ill in her later years was so close to my Mum and she had to juggle caring for her two children, her Mother, our cat all while dealing with her own health and depression. My Mum went through it all but she never stopped doing everything to support me and my sister and when things got bad she always took my side even when I was in the wrong. She was so dedicated to loving us, her approach to life and making sure we were safe at all times was nothing short of heroic.

It wasn't until around 2013 when I started to mature a bit and become more empathetic towards my Mum and everyone, even at age 25 I'm so much more infantile than anyone my age, I have no friends, no job, no prospects. My Mum has fought tooth and nail to get me into work and out of the house but my anxiety does such a number on me I just couldn't do it. I wish I could've made her happy and proud, everyone else graduates from university, has a good job and gets married but my Mum never got to see me achieve anything. I mellowed as I left my teenage years behind and started to help Mum more but I just don't feel it's enough, she deserves so much more.

My Mum was all I had, I feel bad for leaving her downstairs on her own in front of the TV when I would stay upstairs and lay down on the bed with my laptop, sometimes I would sit with Mum and we would talk and I would help out but I would do anything absolutely ANYTHING to change things so I could spend more time with her.

Things have been especially more extreme with the Covid-19 scare, my dear Mum had been isolated since March/April this year because of it, I did the shopping and would pick up her medication and occasionally we would go for a walk around the block but even when I was there I wasn't always there in the room with her when I could've been.

I've always struggled with socialising and human contact, my Mum was much more than my Mum she was my best friend. I'll never meet anyone as perfect as her again and knowing this is heartwrenching.

I've never loved anyone as much as my Mum and I hope she forgives me for my past bad behaviour, she gave me everything. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you Mum.