November is pancreatic cancer awareness month. It's a horrible lethal cancer, which does not show any sign and symptoms and difficult to detect. When the sign and symptoms shows it's too late. My son   a healthy man was taken away so quick, so young. Left me broken, pain is unbearable. 
Found  yesterday his last year birthday card which I gave him on his book shelves. I cried uncontrollably. My heart breaks every time when I go to his empty room. It's so unfair.

a grieving mother 

ash xx

It's been over two months since the loss of my son, the sadness, pain is same, I cry everyday. I still think such thing really happened? My son is not here anymore? I still struggle to touch/eat his favourite food. Everything reminds me of him. I keep thinking why I am such an unlucky mother, my dream, my sons dream, plans everything is shattered. How's he's been taken so quick. 
im still struggling day to day. I don't know how I'm going to cope.

A grieving mother 

Ash

Hello Ash

I wanted to pop by with a reply to your post. I can hear from what you've written how much you're struggling at the moment. 

Grief can indeed be overwhelming and I think it's even harder in these difficult times as life is so different and so many of our usual coping stratagies are limited or unavailable to us. 

I wonder if you've had the opportunity to speak to a Counsellor since Sunny passed away? I know you mentionedin a previous post you were waiting to speak with someone. Sometimes having someone to walk alongside you on this journey with grief can help so I'd suggest getting in touch with Cruse if you've not been able to talk to a counsellor yet. 

Keep posting here as well Ash if it helps. Grief can leave us feeling very lonely but you're not alone. There are members here on the forum who will be able to understand some of how you're feeling and I'm sure the community will do what they can to offer some support. 

Sending my best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator

Hello Jenn

Thank for your kind suggestions and support. Talking through this forum and expressing my feeling with my friends makes me feel little better. I am having my counselling  which helps to take the edge of it. However, next day I'm back to same situation, low in mood, crying, emptiness.
 

GP has prescribed some medication, hopefully it will be only for short term, not to get dependent on these tables. My biggest challenge is going back to work (A&E nurse) as I'm going to see my matron next week. I'm nervous/anxious don't know whether I can manage. 

With  the loss of my son  my life is totally upside down, I'm no more a happy, active, busy woman. I have no interest, no motivation. 

Regards

Ash x

I was tidying up my son's storage boxes found all the birthday cards I gave him every year, how he saved all the good memories. My emotions were overwhelming. I will treasure all his cards as a sweet memories. It's been two months two weeks since my son passed away, I still feel is it really true?  such thing hap to my son, am I still in denial? 
 

Ash

Sunny's mum xx

Ash,

Your post was heartbreaking. What a beautiful name your child had, and like his name, his memory shines even when he is gone.

Loss takes a long long time to heal. More so when it's so sudden and when your child was healty and not expected to die of such a cruel disease. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief, denial is one of them, talk to friends and counsellors. Do the things you love in his name. If you love walking, go for a walk and celebrate his presence in the beautiful landscapes surrounding you. If you love music, listen to it and share it in your heart with him.

Sending you buckets of love

Anne

Hi Anne,

Thank you for your kind and supportive words. Expressing my feelings and talking to someone helps me to ease my pain. It's two months and three weeks since my Sunny passed away, the loneliness, despair, sadness I'm going through is  overwelming. 
 

Last year by this time he was back from travelling, he went to travel Austria, Slovakia, Denmark and Sweden and came back with lots of souvenirs. Though this  year he couldn't travel because of COVID but he had a plan for trekking in Wales and Cornwall with his friend in September, he should me the pictures where he was planning to trek, it was only in July.  It's difficult to accept my son is not here anymore.

I will try my best, if I can , I want to live the way my Sunny would be proud of. He always used to say think positive, treat everyone equally, say no to drugs. His colleagues were so happy to work with him, he was regarded as a gentle, kind man. 

Im having my counselling also I have very supportive friends and colleagues. My daughter is always is touch and we do FaceTime every evening. However, emptiness, is always there. Evening and morning is worse. When I go to his room to open or close the curtains, I look around, it's so immaculate, neatly displayed all his vinyl records, blue rays, cds, anime figurines, guitars in the corner except his empty beds. It's heart breaking, I cry everyday.

Thank  you for listening my story and my virtual hug to you. Hope you're kee well.

Take care

Ash x

Dear Ash

While nowhere close enough, I can understand what you feel. When my beloved grandma died, my rock, my everything, she took a big chunck of me with her. I could see her in everything. I would call her number (my aunt lives in the same house) and would be puzzled everytime that she didn't answer the phone. I just expected her letter for my birthday. Grief faded, but I still found it hard to think of her without crying.

Two years ago, 24 years after she passed away, I decided to gather all her family in her home, and to do the biggest birtday party for what would have been her 100th. I met cousins I hadn't seen for years, and together, we celebrated the memory of granny. It was cathartic. I realised that the saying is true: a person lives on in the heart of people who loved them.

Your beautiful son was clearly well liked and loved by a lot of people, he touched the lives of many, and he will be remembered by many as the kind person he was. This thought, hopefully, will lift your spirits up.

With love

Anne

Hi Anne,

So nice of you to organise your grandma's 100th birthday, that's very thought of you. I grew up with my grandma, she was loving and protective. She passed away long time back, I still see her in my dream whenever I'm sad. I lost my dad, my younger brother, but the loss of my son is unbearable pain. At 53 of age working full time as A&E nurse, travelling a lot like my son, socialising, gardening, decorating house thought I have busy but good life. Now it all disappeared since the day I lost my son, there is no interest, no motivation. 
 

I read your previous post how you were trying your best for  your beloved dad. It's true Anne how much we try when we are in such a desperate situation. How's your mum and other sibling.

Take care

big hug

Ash x