Hi everybody. I haven't done anything like this in years... I guess I just want to get things off my chest. I'm still in shock. Today's been very surreal.

I'm 29 years old and have so far been extremely lucky in terms of family and health. I've never had to deal with a close family death before (the closest I've had was my great gran a couple of years ago), but today we received some devastating news regarding my nan. In a space of a week we've gone from her being at home, "healthy' to being in hospital with incurable, end stage cancer. She has deteriorated so much in the last few days she's too sick for any treatment. The day before she went in to hospital, she was showing me her wedding outfit for my wedding that'll be going ahead in 5 weeks time.. she's gone down hill so much that we just don't know if she'll still be with us by then and that thought makes me so so sad.

I knew this time would come eventually, but I never expected it to be this quick and brutal. I'm having difficulty processing and coping with it; I'm trying to be strong but I can feel myself pushing my feelings to the side and burying them, which is not good. I also feel incredible guilty as I know my nan is currently on her own in hopsital, worrying about what the future holds.. due to Covid restrictions we've only been able to have 1 visitor for 1 hour per day. I was the visitor yesterday and it crushed me to leave her.

She's been a massive part of my life for nearly 30 years; I'm not looking forward to the day when she's no longer there. 

She's still here though for now and we're going to make every minute count to make her feel as reassured, comfortable and loved as possible.

Thank you for reading.