Hi,

If you're here reading this then I'm really sorry to hear about your family member who has passed.

My dad died when I'd just turned 16, he'd been in a hospice for a couple of months. He only found out in December of 2017 and died in March of 2018 (no not really enough time to come to terms with it). He kept me and my two sisters in the dark so we could have a nice Christmas and it'll be a Christmas I'll never forget because of the horrible situation he was going through alone. 

Once he told us I already knew there was something wrong, he became really skinny and didn't look healthy, so being told he had cancer was just a shock my emotions didn't register and still to this day it doesn't fully sink in. 

He was my da and its never ever something you want to see someone go through so the fact he wasn't going to pull through broke me. 

I was emotionally broken that fast I didnt feel anything, I bottle all of my emotions and the passing of my dad really topped the bottle. I've dealt with 2yrs of not grieving because I hate my emotions but it randomly comes in bursts when I'm alone of my heart feeling heavy and I silently cry to my self.

I really can't deal with emotions well so crying is difficult for my to know that its healthy. 

I came back from school on a Friday, I remeber going up stairs to my room and took my shoes off and was about to take my belt off when my mam called my name, she said "will I've just heard something about your dad". 

Immediately I felt the worst because of the tone in her voice. When I flew down stairs after she called for me my sisters were crying and so was my mam and I still didn't register what happened and even when she told me bluntly what happened my body went numb and nothing but emptiness came over me. I didnt feel anything.

Slowly I've broke a little, over the course of 2yrs the walls of the bottled emotions have cracked and now I feel like I could've done more to show him how much I love him and now miss him.

Seeing him slowly change and weaken wasn't nice to see because by the end he didn't look like the man I knew but I loved him all the same. 

Sorry if this was very long, I just need to talk to someone without actually talking, that's the only way I can vent.