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6 years and I still can't move on.

Birchybabe
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Hi Everyone!

I feel like a bit of a numpty writing this but I'm hoping getting it off my chest will make me feel a bit better.

I lost my mum to colon cancer 6 years ago and I still can't come to terms with it. It was absolutely horrific as we were incredibly close. She was fine one day and then told she had 1-2 years to live the next. As I was only 21 at the time and I was so naive and optimistic. I thought because she was a good person and had had such a horrible life so far (multiple divorces, abusive partners, terrible luck with jobs) she would be fine even though the doctors were telling us it was terminal. In hindsight, I was an idiot to believe she would get better but in my eyes, she was always a warrior - unbeatable. Because of this, when she passed 8 months later, it knocked me sideways but I kept it all in. She died on a Friday and I was in work on the Monday. As a single mum to two babies at the time, I was scared of losing my job and didn't want the kids to see me fall apart so I locked everything inside. I don't think I've ever let it out properly. I've had crying fits, bursts of anger at nobody and tried journalling but it just doesn't feel over if that makes sense?

Ever since she passed I've really struggled with health anxiety and on Monday I had a colonoscopy due to finding blood in my stools and irregular stool patterns and they found a 12mm polyp (they think it's not cancerous thankfully), but because of what happened to my mum still being so raw, I'm an absolute wreck. I have three children and I'm only 28 so the fear of not being there for them and them having to go through what I went through is crippling me. 

Right now I'm just angry. I'm angry my mum never got to meet my fiance, angry she hasn't met my youngest child, angry she missed my graduation and never saw me start a business, angry that I might be sick. Just so much anger and nowhere to direct it. And then five minutes later I'm upset. I feel like a rollercoaster and I have to trap it all inside so my partner and kids don't see. I just feel lost and even though I'm surrounded by people who love me, very alone.

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    Hello  Birchybabe, 

    You've done the right thing coming here and getting this off your chest. Sometimes it is hard to talk to our loved ones about all this  but coming to the forum, you will meet others who have also lost a parent to cancer and who understand what you are going through especially at the moment as you are waiting for your biopsy results. It sounds like when your mum passed away, you just took everything in your stride and could not afford to stop and take time to grieve, having to go back to work immediately and being a busy mum with two babies at the time. Perhaps it would do you some good to talk to your GP about grief counselling. You could also mention to your doctor that you have struggled with health anxiety since she passed away. We have information on this page about coping with grief which I hope you will find helpful as it explains the complex emotions involved in dealing with grief. It sounds like you have bottled so much up in the last six years it would do you some good to just talk to someone about all this, to have time to yourself to process all this away from the family pressures.

    We're thinking of you during this stressful time and hope that you get your results very soon. I will now let some of our members who have faced a similar situation come and say hello and share their story with you. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Lucie

    Hi Lucie, Thanks for the response. I tried to see a grief counsellor a few months after my mum passed away, but it was so painful it felt almost debilitating. I've spoken with my GP about my anxiety before and they told me to try meditating. Ironically when I tried to meditate it would just leave me feeling more anxious. It's really hard because I know my lifestyle isn't great - I'm quite a loner besides my family and stress myself a lot. I'm just feeling like I have so much on my plate right now I can't handle anymore. It's so weird as I can talk to people about my mum so comfortably. I actually enjoy talking about her and our memories, but I can't put how I feel into words and share it with anyone. 

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