Good morning,

Bit of background:

So the last couple of years has been a bit of rollercoaster. My Mum passed away 2 years back with cancer, was a build-up where I basically had to break down in front of her for her to tell me something was wrong, she was bed-bound for weeks before but wouldn't allow the Doctors to talk to us. She passed away a week later after she told us "I have 3 weeks to live", the Dr told us she didn't tell my Mum that. During the night she passed our family gathered to comfort our Father, lots of crying going on but I just felt numb, almost like I had to be the one to lead the situation, helped carry my Mums body out of the house, although tragic is brought our family closer.

1 year later my Mother-in-law is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and give 3 months to live, she died 3 weeks after her diagnosis. She called us to the hospice one evening, I was scared to go alone not knowing if she will be there mentally or what I'm facing. I was going to get the bus there so I'd turn up at the same time as everyone else, however, my Sister said she would take me back car so I turned up 1st. She encouraged me to go in which I did. My Mother-in-law was there, she was sweet but like all her defences were down and we spoke and chatted about the war and rations randomly.

She sat up and I thought she was coming in for a hug(which we rarely done) so I dived in and gave her a hug. She said "Can you get me a nurse" and laid on the bed", I ran out and shouted for a nurse and came back and she was having some kind of fit. After seeing a couple of minutes of it I walked into the corridor where I saw the rest of my Mother in laws family coming down smiling at me in which I just started crying and said "she's taking her last breaths" and then we watched her pass away. A little part of me feels like her sitting up triggered something in her brain to cause the fit and that I took that little bit of time away from the rest of the family.

At the same time, my Father In Law was going through 2 types of cancer, bowel and prostate. It was touch and go but thankfully he's well and had various operations and for now is in good health.

Now my Father, diagnosed with Mesothelioma this year March time. Had fluid on the lung, hard to walk. He's been going through hell with Chemo and Hospital visits. Currently finding it hard to eat, lost 12kg in a month(maybe less), he's pretty much bedbound with constipation and then diarrhoea, dizziness and just looks frail. The man who would literally keep you talking for hours(no joke) now barely talks or walks.

We know time is limited (9-13 months) but I feel it's going to happen much sooner, I just had a call around an hour ago from my Sister in law, breaking down as the Dr wants to talk about taking him off all medication and give him something that will just make him more comfortable.

I do feel sad but just numb, it sounds horrible even saying or writing this but I wish my Father would pass away in his sleep rather than suffer to this *** disease.

Is it normal to barely feel anything? I do have moments of tears but they are few and far in between, I just want peace for him. Now when I say I feel numb, in some ways I feel it's great as it's just helping me cope with life and help me assist my family through the troubled times.

Apologies for the rambling and huge backstory.