I lost my mum on the 1st March 2020 to breast cancer. She was originally diagnosed with breast cancer in March 2016 ( 2days before my Birthday). It was a accidental finding and we were so lucky we caught it when we did as it was an aggressive cancer, at the time of diagnosis it was a 2cm tumour and 5 weeks later it was 5cm and had spread to her skin and lymph nodes. She underwent 6 rounds of nasty chemo followed by radiotherapy, they found 'dots' on her bones later in 2016 however we were assured they were not bone mets.

We carried on with our lives after that, always with the worry of these dots but life was normal. I got engaged, bought a house, holidays and did normal things. In November 2018 following a holiday my mum broke the bad news to me that the 'dots' had now been diagnosed as bone metastases, the cancer had spread into different bones and this is how the diagnosis was made. As there isn't a treatment we had to hope it didn't spread to a soft organ. It did, in april 2019 it spread to her liver and we restarted chemo. In July, it had spread again, in October even further. We were told she had 6-12 months, she didn't want to know her life expectancy. 

I am an ICU nurse and watching my mum change and struggle was painful to watch, I could see what was happening when others couldn't. I wanted my mum to have all the things she dreamt of, seeing her 2 daughters get married and a family holiday to Florida were first on the list. My sister moved her wedding forward from June 2021 to june 2020, my wedding was in may 2020 and we booked the holiday and had the best Christmas. In February 2020 we went to Dinsey Florida, we had the best time. On the day we returned home mum wasn't right, I took her to A&E, the cancer was worse again and she died 8 days later. 1 week prior to her death we were on a rollercoaster. 

It's been nearly 6 month's, I returned to work 6 weeks later on the frontline. COVID ruined both weddings. I feel so lost, I feel like she is coming back at any moment and she is just ignoring me. My desperation to talk to her increases each day. She was my best friend, my confidant. I feel so confused about what happened and why my mum? What did I do wrong to be punished with all this pain. I was 27 when I lost mum and and 28 now but feel like a scared child. I'm angry and sad she will never she her daughters weddings, she will never see grandchildren. I'm left supporting my dad and my mum's mum, I feel gulity I feel this way. I just want my mum back. 

I have been recieving grief counselling via zoom but I don't feel any different. Tell me it gets better.