Hi all, this is my first post on here. I just need somewhere to talk without having to put any excess pressure on my Mum. I talk to her about absolutely everything, but I feel like when I'm having a bad day missing Dad I don't want to drag her down on potentially a good day for her :)
My Dad passed away early July this year from lung cancer, he was diagnosed with stage 3B in around July 2018. We spent two years fighting the horrible disease as a very close family. His death was expected but very sudden if that makes sense, we all knew it was inevitable but he went downhill rapidly in about 3 days. I've heard this is quite common. I do feel lucky to have had 2 years after his diagnosis with him, but watching his deterioration was very painful. It feels wrong and selfish saying that as he was the one living with his diagnosis. Its nearly 2 months ago now, which isn't very long but it still feels like I'm waiting for him to come home. It just doesn't feel fair. I'm 17 and was very clued-up with Dads treatment and management as I'd rather know every detail than hide away from it.
I have some brilliant friends but I just feel like no matter how I explain it, I can't convey how I feel. I'm currently studying for my a-levels which my exams are next year, so I feel a lot of pressure, but then since Dad has been gone I'm really struggling with motivation to revise. I want to do well for me but also for Mum and Dad but I just feel like there is so so much going on. I've had people say "just give yourself a break" but as much as I'd like to, time doesn't stop moving and there are still things that need to be done for deadlines etc. Teachers have been great with the situation but I don't want to be behind or be any different to my peers. I'd like to do medicine at uni therefore the expectations are VERY, VERY high. I just don't know what to do, recently I feel like my brain never slows down, it switches between random things that don't even need to be thought about. Dad used to help me rationalise with things like this, like when an exam didn't go so well he would always be there to say "well don't worry Titch, just learn what you got wrong and give it another shot."
I am an only child, so have always been very close to my parents, so without Dad I feel like a massive part of me is missing. I miss every single thing about him. He was 51 and it feels so so cruel. So far, myself and mum have been okay and coping well, but I just feel sad. As simple as that sounds, its true. All the special things that will happen in the future Dad will miss, he was my best friend and I miss him. Its such a weird feeling knowing that someone used to be a living, breathing and talking person and now they aren't. I was dads first and last thought always and I am so grateful for the role he played in my 17 years, as I truly could've had no better. He was the ultimate dad.
If anyone who has been in the same/ a similar situation then please please please reply to this, as that would mean so much to me. It's sad to know that people have been through the same, but comforting to know there is people who understand.
xoxo
