Cancer Research UK main site

Why my Nan?

clairelois1990
Offline

My Nan passed away on 31st January 2020, from metastatic breast cancer. It was in her liver and bones. It was the liver that failed her and caused a rapid 48 hour decline. My Nan had breast cancer in 2014 and beat it, and I very naively believed it had gone away for good. On 10th January my Nan went to A&E after being in excrutiating pain with a reoccuring bladder infection, this is when we found out the cancer had returned and she died three weeks later. 

 

Almost 7 months later, I feel that my grief is getting worse. My Nan was such an integral part of my family. I am in agonising pain that I have lost her and I feel so shocked by it all still. I write this with a real awareness that many people my age (30) or younger, have lost their parents, but to me my Nan was my second parent. I grew up with an amazing Mum and Nan (no Dad), so it is such a big loss to mine and my family's life. I can't help but think, why my Nan? Why? Why did it have to be her? Why did it have to come back? Why was it so vicious? Why did she only get three weeks instead of months? It feels beyond unfair and sometimes I just want to scream as loud as I can to wake me up from this hellish nightmare. 

 

My Nan was terrified to die. So many things still haunt me. Myself and my family were with her right until the very end, and I'll never forget the fear in her eyes. Unfortunately, she did not have a peaceful death and I'm not sure if I will ever come to terms with that. This might sound silly, but I find it difficult having my bedside lamp on at night because it makes me think of those agonising few days watching my Nan deteriorate. I just cannot believe this has happened to her and that we have lost her. 

 

I was fortunate to have a real close bond with my Nan, she was the best. I saw her regularly and was always in frequent contact with her. We would text often and chat on the phone. I can't tell you how desperate I am to pick up the phone and hear her voice. I would give anything just to speak to my Nan, I miss her so much. 

 

My boyfriends Nan had a fall today, she is thankfully fine but before we went food shopping tonight he called her from his car. Suddenly seeing the name 'Nan' flash up really caught me off guard. Listening to his conversation with her made me sob. He was talking about her fall and asking if she was okay. I had such an overwhelming feeling of sadness, because I will never ever be able to call my Nan up again and ask if she is okay. And that's another thing I struggle with, I want to know she is okay. She was so terrified of dying, where is she now? I absolutlely hate that her life came to an end. I feel so guilty hers has ended and I keep on living. I know she would never want me to feel this way but I can't help it. She gave everything to everyone, she was so generous and kind, nothing was ever too much trouble for my Nan. At 74, so young at heart and independant I really feel she has been robbed of many deserving years. 

 

I turned 30 recently and it was so strange to not have my Nan by my side, and I know how much she would want to be there. It made me think of when my Mum turns 60 in five years time, I wonder how we will all feel then, it will have been so long since we have seen my Nan. But I feel like we all had her in our lives so long that we will never be able to adjust fully to life without her. 

 

Coping with loss is so very hard, and cancer takes away precious time with so many of our loved ones. It's heartbreaking and so unfair. I just don't know how I'll ever come to terms with losing my precious Nan.

  • Offline

     

    Hi Clarelois.

    First of all, I offer my sincere condolences on the loss of your lovely Nan. My mum had a similar journey 21 years ago. She had breast cancer for 12 years, before we discovered that it had spread to her liver, lungs, bones and brain. Like your Nan she was terrified of death and, had a very difficult passing. Like you, I felt that the memories of her latter days would overshadow happier times and, this did happen at first. I just could not get those final images out of my head. In time, you will be glad that you were with her at the end to support her and to help her pass over, despite the awful memories that this has left you with.

    I was advised to put a photo of my mum in a prominent place and, when I wanted to talk to her, I would talk to her photo and, I found this a great solace. I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I always feel that she is still watching over me and my family and, I try to do things that would make her proud, as do my children, who were in their late teens when she died. I still chat to her 21 years on and think that I always shall.

    Grief is a strange emotion and we all cope with it in our own way. You will probably find all the usual anniversaries will be especially painful, this first year in particular. People say that it gets easier with time, or maybe we learn to live with it, but she will always hold a very special place in your heart. In time happier memories will come back. I hope that you can talk about her with your family and know that you will hold her memory in your heart forever.

    The cycle of life can to some extent help us to pick up our lives again, as you eventually begin to find happier family events, which give you something to look forward to and, you will finally realise that life is worth living again.

    Thinking of you and your family and wishing you the strength to get through this terrible time. I am always here if you want to chat.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    Hi Jolamine,

     

    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post, and for your lovely words and advice.

    I'm so sorry to hear your Mum had a similar experience to my Nan. I think you're right, in time I will be glad that I was there for my Nan in her final moments, she was always there whenever I needed her. Can I ask you, how did you come to terms with your Mum dying when she was so scared of death? It's something that keeps me awake at night. I feel so awful that my Nan was scared to die and it happened. I really can't come to terms with that. 

    The photo is a really lovely idea, I do have a framed picture of her in my front room but sometimes it feels so painful looking at it, or I feel completely numb when I look at it because I just can't accept that she is gone. I stare into pictures of her and think where is my Nan? How can she have left? 

    I'm not 100% sure on my beliefs of afterlife. I wish more than anything my Nan is still around and still watching over me and my family, that brings me great comfort. But then I get terrified she's not around. I think that's really lovely that you and your children do things to make your Mum proud. Everything I do, I always think of my Nan and wonder what she'd think. After she died I got a job working for the local hospice, and I know she would have been over the moon about that. I just wish I could tell her all the different things about the job and the people and hear what she would have to say about it. And to see that pleased look on her face that told me she was proud. 

    My family are amazing and we talk about our Nan often, but I'm always conscious of upsetting someone, especially my Mum, who is lost without my Nan. I'm so aware that my Mum and sisters are heartbroken over my Nan, that when they appear to be having a strong day, I don't want to put them through anymore pain. But I do know that I can always talk to them if I need to, and I do. 

    For my 30th Birthday, my Mum arranged for my uncle who is an artist to do a painting of my Nan's favourite flowers. He traced the words 'Lots of Love Nan xxx' on there from a previous birthday card. It is the most beautiful and precious gift. I'm going to get it framed and I think I will find great comfort everytime I look at it. It feels like a piece of my Nan. 

    Thank you so much again for your kind words. It's so comforting when you read about someone's similar experience and know other people that are going through the same pain as you, it helps feel like you are not alone. 

     

    Best wishes,

     

    Claire xxx

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.