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Nightmares about my decreased mother

Lucyxox
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Hi, 

My mother died in 2016 back when I was 20 years old. She died from cancer, it was at home. For the past 4 years I have reoccurring nightmares about her dying, the same way that she did in real life but different circumstances.

eg, last night I dreamt she was at home bed bound and end of life (which is how I last saw her) and then we were at war and they were dropping bombs on us. I survived she didn't. Woke up crying. The dream always ends with her dying. 
I feel like I'm constantly reviving her death even now 4 years on. 
 

Anyone got any advice or similar circumstances?

thanks x

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    Hello Lucyxox, 

    I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like the last four years have been rather difficult after your mum passed away and these vivid dreams must be rather disturbing. I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to your doctor about these dreams and see whether your doctor would have any helpful suggestions to help you deal with these recurring dreams. Do talk to your doctor about these vivid dreams and describe exactly what happens in those dreams. Perhaps some grief counselling would be beneficial to you? 

    We have information on this page on Coping with Grief which I hope will be helpful to help you understand the complex emotions involved in the grieving process

    I hope you can get the help you need soon and that these nightmares cease. Hopefully you will hear from some of our other members who have also lost a loved one recently and they will share their story with you. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi Lucy

    I'm sorry that your Mum passed when you were only 20 years old, that's very young and it must have been a terrific shock to deal with then and you are still clearly trying to come to terms with it now on a subconscious level. 

    My Mum passed 18months ago and I too experience dreams where she is ill and dying, sometimes I've found a new treatment for her and I wake up hopeful ready to tell her and then realise she's already gone and it's too late and the grieving starts all over again. I also have dreams where people are trying to hurt my family and I am trying to stop them and protect them, always unsuccesfully. It can be exhausting being distressed whilst you sleep and then again when you waken up.

    However I understand that it's my brains way of trying to process the grief and feelings of helplessness from seeing a loved one pass away and being incapable of stopping it despite my best intentions. I found it incredibly hard as I am a healthcare professional and despite the knowledge, experience and research skills I possess it was still a horrendous time and ultimately it made no difference to the prognosis and end outcome. I take some comfort from the fact that I tried everything I possibly could to help Mum and look after her right up to the end which I'm sure you did too. My brain though obviously thinks there may have been different scenarios where I could have done something differently and changed the outcome. 

    I have had counselling since Mum's death and it helped to voice my thoughts and feelings but the grief doesn't go away it just gets quieter for a while then it pops back up, sometimes as strong as the intial weeks. This apparently is normal and I think that at present with Covid19 and continuous news of people dying it reawakens feelings in your subconsciousness hence the recurrence of the nightmares. 

    See them for what they are - dreams, nothing more than that, don't try and push them away. Let them come, allow yourself to process the feelings and then let them go again and grieve as much and in whatever way you feel you need. 

    Take care of yourself x

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