On the 9th July I lost my beautiful mammy to nsc Lung cancer at the young age of 55

She was diagnosed in August 2019 and unfortunately no treatment worked. It was always 1 step forward and 2 steps back. 

I cared for mammy for 12 weeks while I was pregnant with my 4th child. 

Mammy didnt want to die in a hospice or hospital she wanted to be at home. 

I gave birth on the 2nd of July and when I came home from hospital my beautiful mammy got into bed and never got out of it. 

I truly believe she waited for my son to be born before she passed. 

I'm finding it so hard and just want her back to me. A month before she passed she was walking small steps with her oxygen and my god she was so determined. 

She deteriorated so quickly, I wasnt ready for that. 

I miss her more and more everyday and would give anything to see her again and just to hear her voice one last time. I miss our nightly chats and our little laughs and the aul rants we had. 

Does the pain get any easier? Does it start to hurt a little less? When will I be able to talk about her and not cry? I'm 30 next month,  how will I have a Birthday without her ringing to sing me happy Birthday. .

She was afraid I wouldn't cope minding her after I had my baby, thought it would be too much. Is that why she gave up fighting ? I promised her I would mind her everyday and we had lots of plans for Christmas and for the new year. 

Why did god to this to us? 

I hate cancer. It took my beautiful mammy away and left us with a huge hole in our hearts and her grandchildren without their granny. The one who spoils them and makes them feel so blessed. 

Life is cruel and I just cant see a way out of this horrible dark hole I'm in.