I can't believe it's been nearly a year. A year since I last cuddled my mum, held her hand, bought her favourite foods in the M&S hospital shop. I was in full-on "carer" mode this time last year, driving half an hour every morning to visit her in the ward, staying until 11pm/12pm at night and then parking in the Sainsburys car park to cry my eyes out because I didn't have anyone I felt I could rely on. Life has changed so much since then.
After mum died, I instantly took on almost every job I could think of. I handled the will myself, and her estate, renovated the house, tried to step into her role to look after my sisters, went back to work, tried to revive my relationship and completely change my life. I did anything I could think of not to confront my grief. I stopped coming on here, stopped talking about her, stopped acknowledging that she was gone, I tried so hard to forge a new path without any consideration for the damage I was doing to myself by ignoring how I was feeling.
I finally accessed grief counselling a couple of months ago and while I can't say I have been able to be vulnerable, I find I can discuss my grief objectively. There is a whole world of pain that I still can't open myself up to, because I know it is endless and in my mind there is no getting through it all, so why would I expose myself to even the slightest bit of grief? In the last year I have sacrified big parts of myself simply so I didn't feel alone. I thought other people could pull me out of my sadness and distract me from the pain, but I came to rely on them so heavily that I broke all over again when they left. Including my partner of 4 years. He behaved so poorly before and after mum died but I was so terrified off loss that I simply couldn't bear to walk away. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't rely on or trust your loved ones, but try not to let your grief cloud your judgements. Some people simply do not deserve to be part of your life.
If I could give any advice to my past self and anyone else on here who is carrying the burden of their grief and who feels unable to share it, I'd say to try and let yourself be a little vulnerable every now and then. It doesn't even have to be opening up to someone else, but just admitting to yourself that you're not OK all the time. Set aside some time to deliberately feel sad – journal, listen to music or watch something that will help you get your emotions out. For me, it's listening to my mum's funeral songs. My sister said grief is like a balloon, sometimes you have to let a little air out, rather than keeping it in until the whole thing bursts.
Just know that you are strong, but there is strength in being vulnerable and being honest with yourself.
