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My mum passed and i'm only 27.(could be very triggering)

Mupton
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Hi there, 

I'm just reaching out to see if anyone else has been here... The following could be really triggering so please think about whether you want to read xx

My mum passed this January, I am only 27, no positive contact with my dad either (only contact is in relation to his own issues and is generally very toxic).

I don't know how to cope, i gave myself a week off uni, because i worked so hard to even get to that point that i didn't want to give it up and my whole world stop.. I think I had a day off work but just wanted to get back to work.. 

My mum had been unwell for a very long time but was very stubborn and stoic and only allowed me to take her to a doctor/hospital 2 weeks prior to her passing. We had no idea she had cancer and she had lots of her own personal issues that left her very avoidant of her health (to be clear she was still getting me to drive her into work two weeks before her death) even though she was unable to walk and was practically incontinent unable to eat. Unfortunately she didn't even make it to a biopsy...they had to trick her into a full scan and suspected she had small cell cancer that spread very quickly. By the time she allowed the scan it was in both lungs, neck, ovaries, spine, liver.. she was basically not going to make it. I was left as the only person to care for her during this time which put a strain on our relationship me having to beg her to even go to A&E, and still she wouldn't stay there.. i can't blame her for that but i still hold so much anger. She drank and smoked a fair bit and that was always the catalyst of our problems... but she was unhappy and again i can't blame her. The last contact I had with her was an arguement about trying to keep her in hospital.. They prescribed her loads of morphine to help with the pain.. and when she passed the police asked for her medication and all of the morphine was non existent.. two weeks prescription gone in a night. If it meant she didn't suffer for as long then I can understand it. On the day of her passing she rang me and i purposely didn't answer because i had spent every moment of my time caring for her and i just wanted to have one day in uni to focus on my exams.. I wonder what life would be like now if i'd answered that call. Unfortunately I also saw her when she was actually passed in her home as I came to check on her after... something i will never forget. All in all, i'm lost and totally disconnected from myself, i grow colder each day and have a deep hurt and anger that never leaves. I have no love left for anyone around me that i should have.. and I am so scared of wasting that my own life that the only way feels as if to give everything I have to my ambitions or to leave indefinitely. Thankfully I have uni and I have music as a way of processing emotions but I am so lonley deep inside all of the time. I'm just wondering if these feelings resinate with someone... I find it hard to access any therapy because i'm so scared it'll set me back. I had such a *** time when i was a child and just as my life started to move forward this happened all by myself. now i just want to move forward.

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    Hi [@Mupton]‍, 

    So sorry to hear of the struggles you are going through. I am 32 and I lost my mom, my sister 31. It's really just not nice at all. it sucks. 

    It seems like there are quite a few things that you are grappling with. 

    - the speed of your mother's decline

    - your interactions with your mom, especially in her last days (when you didn't answer the phone)

    - your relationship with your dad 

    - your childhood

    There's a lot that worries me with your last paragraph, it's normal to feel sad, depressed, empty, angry, there is a lot to process. You say you're growing colder and colder each day, but you think therapy will set you back which seems counterintuitive, I would encourage you to seek that out, as one thing you said worried me that you're thinknig of suicide?

    Normally, with cancer there are free resources for some grief counselling they can help unwind some of what you're experiencing and your emotions. Therapy wouldn't exist if it didn't help anyone. 

    We all have dark and sad periods in our lives, but believe in yourself. You're young, you're in university, commit yourself to creating a beautiful life for yourself - even if we can't control sickness, or family, you are in control of your happiness. 

    Lean on friends, you'd be surprised that they'll be there - if you don't feel like have many right now, invest in this avenue there are many ways to build friendships (i've moved >4x and had zero friends where I started). It's uncomfortable, but put yourself out there, many ways to do it. 

    What would it mean to you if the next 30 years of your life where beautiful and happy. Imagine that. Sure, the next few years may be hard, dealing with emotions and building a network for yourself, but you can do it. 

     

    xx

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