Leigh,

Firstly, you sound like such a wonderful woman! A wonderful woman who was loved by a wonderful man. 

Your words ring true to someone who is humble and grateful for all the things that you have been able to have in your life and all the people around you and that says a lot about the person you are. A lot about the person your husband fell in love with! It also says a lot to why you have moments of feeling guilty. You're an empathetic, kind human being who isn't used to being alone and especially being alone with so much to think about.

I cannot imagine the loss of a soul mate. Someone you've chosen to love and built a life with. Someone you brought new life into the world with. Someone that knows you better than you know yourself. Someone that loves you, for you. But I think by having those moments of gratitude is you doing all the right things. You sound like you're handling this with incredible resillience and you should be extremely proud.

Sending you a virtual hug as I'm sure if your husband was here that is exactly what he'd be doing. Cancer is a ****!

xxx

Hello Midgeyyy

 Thank you so much for taking time to read my post abd for replying.   Thank you for your kind words.  Your saying - Someone that knows you better than you know yourself, someone that loves you, for you thats how i always felt and feel.   I miss him so so much.  Your words have given me much comfort and the encouragement to keep taking each day at a time, and your also so right my husband was a wonderful man an amazing man.

Please look after you too - you have had reason to be here, not something any of us want for any of us, life is difficult and unfair sometimes  for which I feel sad and I'm sorry - I hope you are okay sometimes I cannot find the words to express what I need to say.  Take care of you.  Sending back to you virtual hugs too and yes Cancer is ....!!!!!

xxx

Hi Leigh, 

I have just read your post, i lost my husband of 36 years only 4 weeks ago with oesophagus cancer aged 57. I am totally lost, and although it is very early days i feel like i will never get over it.

We were childhood sweathearts done everything together and i cant get out of my head the tramatic end he had. Its horrific.

He battled a year with such courage and never once moaned. 

How do you move on, i feel its impossible at the minute and i think i will still be like you 4 years down the line. Ive not only lost my lovely husband i have lost my best friend and soulmate.

Big hugs to you x

Hello Alex

i am sorry to hear that you have lost your beloved husband. Four weeks is a very short time - it must still be raw for you. Were you able to care for him at home and be with him? We hear about families who couldn't visit their loved ones in hospital which must have been terrible.

My husband had the same diagnosis last October. He has had chemotherapy and radiotherapy but struggles to eat much. Do you have any recommendations that your husband found helpful? We have heard about a stent but not sure if it would help.

i hope you have family or friends who support you or a hospice close by who give bereavement help. Life must be very lonely after being together for so long. Look after yourself and take time for your happy memories.

Best wishes

Ronnie

Hi Ronnie, 

its an horrendous cancer and the struggle to eat and drink towards the end was terrible When he had radiotherapy in January to shrink the tumour it worked brilliant up until end of May.

My husbands had spread to his liver which was enlarged and not working properly last 4 weeks of his life. The radiotherapy was 5 days on trot and he had no side affects so worth ya husband having it.

He went into the Hospice on the saturday and died on the monday. We had him at home as long as we could due to limit on visiting due to covid. But we was with him 2 full days and when he passed and thats what he wanted.

I hope chemo and radiotherapy works well for your husband, take care xx

Sorry, regarding the stent my husband refused that and was suppose to be having radiotherapy a few days before he died but wasnt to be has he deteriorated rapidly. 

He opted for radio has it had worked really well in January and started eating well again up until May. Xx 

Hello AlexMatthew

I am so so sorry that you have lost your husband your soulmate your best friend to this devastating disease.  I am so so sorry that you are now having to grieve such a devasting loss.  We to were soulmates did everything together and were married for 36 years.   You both also had to cope on top of what was already to much with this awful  Covid virus, my heart truly goes out to you.

My husband battled for 16 months and the end was also traumtic and never leaves me.  It is horrific beyond words.

I miss him every second of every day and night.  I can tell you I had great support from our local hospice they were truly wonderful and I hold a special place for them in my heart.  But I was in denial for such a long time and let that support go.  I had 8 weeks of counselling with Cruse Bereavement that finished just before last christmas.  I dont really know how to put it all into words.  I found my counsellor so easy to talk to and opened up about a lot of things so it has helped me.  But if im honest i know my husband has gone and can't come back ever but I can't stop wanting him to come back.  I want him to have the time he should have had, just as your husband should.  I want him to see his grandchildren and watch them grow, to fulfill dreams he had and to fulfill dreams we shared.  I just want to hold him and tell him again how much I love him hear his voice see that smile and here his laughter.  It hurts so much it is overwhelming at times.  My family is broken because we are all grieving apparently it happens sometimes I have been told.  I have good friends that have come back into my life, friends I hadnt seen for a long time but were they for me and they have helped so much.  Good neighbours too that look out for me.  Family who mean so much as diificult as it is.   So I keep telling myself I am lucky to have experenced such a wonderful unconditional love from a wonderful man to have shared all we did priviledged that he chose to spend his life with me.  Nothing can take that away nothing at all.  So he is never gone he is all around me.  

I love and appreciate my friends so much.  I love our family too very much.  My counsellor told me I will probably always have times sometimes where I feel so intensely the loss of my husband because of the relationship we had.  I kept so much of the grief deep inside of me because I didnt want it to come out because I didnt want to accept it.  Now when I have those dark days i let myself feel it and try to let my feelings out and just cry and scream if needed - I live alone so am able to do that.  I also talk to my friends they are always there and always if needed at the end of the phone it helps to talk.

I also still chat with cruse when I feel I am really struggling and overwhelmed and have at times used the Samaritans and forums like this one which help so much.

Im not good with words but I guess I am trying to say try not to bottle your feelings up try to talk call for help if you need it.  If you have when your ready bereavement counselling it is always available no matter how much time passes.   I guess as much as I dont cope or as much as I feel the pain so intensely I also am living because I get up walk the dog do the chores somedays, go out with friends for walks even during this horrid virus.  I cry with my friends sometimes too Im so lucky to have that kind of support from them.  Before covid I spent a lot of time with my grandson he was six months when he lost his devoted grandad.  I have feelings of panic so I reach out or let it out and then tell myself my husband will never be gone he is always with me.

Its such early days for you Im so sorry for the pain your feeling and going through so very sorry for your loss.  You have reached out here keep reaching out.

I have so much I want to say but I struggle to get it down.  You are not alone so many on here will always be there too to help and comfort.  We all grieve diffirently and slowly find ways of trying to cope.

Look after yourself though please.  I forced myself to eat and try to rest I did an anxiety cause to for ways of coping learning briefing exrcises etc which all do help.

Take one day at a time do what feels right for you but know nothing nothing can take away what you both shared together.  People here will always be here no matter what to help to share with you.

Always here for you.

So sorry if I have said to much or gone on to much.

Sending you virtual hugs and be kind to yourself we were turly blessed to have found our soulmates our best friends our husbands to have had such unconditional never ending love.

xxxx

Hello Ronnie46

So sorry that your husband also has this awful disease so sorry for what you are both going through and really saddened that you also have the Virus on top of everything else you are coping with.

My dear dad also suffered Esophagus Cancer.  He didnt have chemo or radiotherapy or operatiion because of other underlying issues.

My dad had a stent fitted when it became difficult for him to swallow.  It helped and he also went through the procedure a second time which again was also helpful to him for a while.

Your oncologist and McMillan nurse should be able to give you all the information you need about stents and the nurses on here Im sure could help you access the information you both need.

I wish you and your husband well and will keep you in my thoughts.   Look after yourselves both of you.

Big hugs to you both

xx

Hello AlexMatthew

Our situation as you say is so similar.  I lost my sister in law to lung cancer 52 yrs old in 2012 and her husband my brother 6 weeks later they too were childhood sweethearts.

Its lovely you have a grandson too and means so much I know that your husband knew him and had time with him but so heartbreaking at the same time.

But yes we appreciate that our wonderful husbands had their grandsons and I know they have them in their hearts wherever they are and are watching over them.  I/we are not religeous but I truly now believe that.

I talk about grandad all the time to our Grandson he knows who he is and kisses his photo and says love you grandad - nevver gone.

Love and best wishes always to you all

xxx