Hi,

I needed a place where I could just open up as it is the week leading up to the anniversary of my mum suddenly passing away.

It's been too hard the last few weeks. Waking up every other night, feeling very anxious and distressed. Having flashbacks again of the 5 weeks spent at hospital, just watching her deteriorate so quickly. She was diagnosed with Lung Cancer and a few weeks to live. We didn't have time as a family to talk about anything, she literally only knew for around 2/3 weeks before she had to tell us as we knew something was very wrong by looking at her. 

Literally the next day since she told us, she was rushed to hospital as she had so much fluid in her lungs, she would have died that day if we hadn't begged her to go. She had already accepted her fate. She knew it was game over and never gave anything away. My mum was so strong and gracefully gave us 5 weeks more than any of the Doctors had anticipated as they said she barely had time. Me and my 4 siblings were there all the way with my dad until the very end. 

There's obviously a lot more to the story but it's not important. I spent everyday with her, probably had the most time with my mum. We were like twins at heart. The hardest part was watching the deterioration. I can't come to terms with how destructive a disease it really is. It robbed us of a mother, my best friend. I love her for her strength and courage. She didn't want to scare us or ever show us how terrified she must have been. How upsetting it would be to know you are going away and will never be back. It crushes me that I didn't even get to have that chat with her but I know she was only protecting us. She was 58 when she passed away. 

So a year on, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions and one lonely road. As a family, we haven't spoken in depth about it at all. Myself and my siblings are very different and we don't really open up together. It's too difficult I suppose as it's still very fresh. We all deal with our pain in our own ways. As bad as it sounds, having the last 3 months off work on furlough due to Covid-19 has helped massively. It's been the first time in a year to have a breather and reflect. It's only being alone with my thoughts where I suffer horrendously. I would only talk about my problems and worries to my mum. I speak to her most days and have had some wonderful signs that she is around and by my side. Unfortunately, sorry selfishly it's not always enough as that piece of you will always be missing without her. 

Anyway, when I do feel low and I want to give up, something keeps me going and I do it for mum. It's just needed some times to open up. I'm not ready to go down the path of a therapist, (long waiting list and already turned away by my doctor) I just appreciate this platform where I can relate to so many of you. So thank you if you read all of this, just needed to unload Xx