Hi mate,

I know how you feel, i was just 13 to 14 when we found out my dad had cancer it didnt really affect me much at the time becasue i was still too young to understand what cancer really was i ean iwas young and was living my life well... Me and my dada were very close one morning he colapsed in the toilet and fell against the door i was the only one small enough to fit thought the gap in the door to get to him which i did and after that day it changed me i then realised that this wasnt just a col and then i took time of school, that day we waited for the ambulance to coe and little did i know that he would never return home from the hospital.

My dad had stage four lung cancer which spread to the bone marrow and some other location which my mum refused to tell me about becasue she didnt want me to get worried.

I remember the day well we were all at home when my mam came into the kitchen collected us all together and said we need to prepare to say goodbye to him which from that moment i made my mam promise me that she would wake me up or drag me from anything i was doing and to get the nurses to tell me when it was about to happen becasue i was going to be there come rain or shine, he used to be there for me all the time when i was ill and tell me that he wishes he could take the illness from me and fight it off well i wish i couldve done it or him or atleast shared his suffering he was by my side when i almost died of ecoli so i wanted to be beside his.

the dreadful morning came it was a normal night the night bfore we got ack from the hosptial and went for bed ready for school i belive then my mum comes into my room at 3am wakes me up and sais "Morgan its happening." and i got up casually grabbed my shoes and duvet we tried to wake my sister and brother up but they didnt want to come i remeber we drove to the hopsital as fast as we could what usually takes an hour drive took us half an hour mainly becasue our speed and no traffic being on the roads, the roads were eerly quite this morning i was reletiely calm and cant recall any feelings i felt.     we got the hospital and the nurses had opened the back doors for us my dad had his own room and when we got in he was gasping for air he couldnt speak but i knew he knew i was there i remember saying hello to him and saying that everything was going to be okay at this point i started remembering all the times we had together still reltively calm but also felt abit anxious.

I remmeber getting on the recliner chair next to his bed and lied down with my duvet over me and said to him "its okay dad were here now you can rest." or something like that i cant really remember becasue after that i fell asleep it was 20 past 4 when i fell asleep it was wierd becasue i didnt feel tired i woke up at around 5:15 feeling normal everything was calm i didnt look at my dad, my mum pulled me out of the room and all the nurses looked at me they asked my mum if i was okay i still didnt know what had happened yet we got into the room with the xbox that i was used to and my mum sat me down on the sofa and said "Morgan your dads dead" and all i could think of saying was atleast he can rest now after the amount of struggle i saw him in i was still calm for some reason i dont know why i fell asleep perfectly timed i asked to see him one last time i went in remember seeing him there lying so pieacfully i remember stroking his head and kissing his forehead i said something like goodnight or rest easy and we left i dont know how i was so calm and i didnt cry once i really dont know how becasue its affecting me more now. maybe its becasue i was there when it happened i really dont know i miss him so much and not a day goes by where i think if he was here how proud he would be of me and myasbirations and my achievments we would be building that model train he always wanted to build and life would be good.

after it happned i went back to school 2 weeks later they didnt expect me to come back so soon and i didnt need counselling i still dont know to this day how i was so calm and so okay with it. now im not i now live with health anxiety and have found a lump in my nck which i am terrified to be cancer as i dont want to pull my famoly thoguh the same thing as a phew years ago and im not ready to die i have to live my life to the fullest like my dad couldnt.

i am so sorry for the long message but i hope this helps as you arent alone you really arent i know how it feels and although it didnt affecting me then it affects me now.now mate if you ever need to talk dont hesitiate to message me privatly and i will give you my number to call if you ever need a chat 

please mate just enjoy your life and make your padre proud theres no getting him back and i know how hard it sounds but lifes a *** and it only happens to the best of people.

I wish you all the best,

Morgan.

Hi Morgan,

Thank you for taking the time to share your story. It's funny how people react so differently. I was literally screaming and shouting and going crazy when I realised my father had only hours (or at best days) to live. I lost my mind and had two complete breakdowns during which I was absolutely hysterical. Now, a year later, I feel dead inside. I have no interest in living my life. I just want to be with my dad. He was the best and most important thing in my life.

I really hope your thing isn't serious and that you're able to do what you want to do. Thanks again,

A

Hi Adam,

you sound just like me I could've written your posts although my dad died coming up to 10 years ago now. I lost all interest in life for years I was severly depressed (still am although it's not so much about my dad anymore), and my mum had got on with her life and still loves life which I can't get my head around at all. She even makes out like my dad didn't suffer that much when he actually suffered about as much as anyone ever could.

I also became an atheist and still am which I never thought would happen as even though I wasn't ever religious I definitely believed in god. I decided not to have kids because I never would want to put them through life and I have a very negative opinion of life and lack of interest in everything other people seem to enjoy. Overall I think it is not worth the pain and stress and I became very angry at all parents for having kids, putting them through life and then leaving them. Even though I know parents really do love their kids and would do anything for them I just couldn't do it to mine.

I've honestly almost completely wasted the last 10 years of my life and that makes me angry at my dad too for putting me through that grief although most of it is down to me in the end. I just don't want that to happen to you, you have to get out of yourself and get out there (obviously hard at the moment) and talk to people or you will get stuck in negative depressed feelings like I have.

Trust me I know what you are going through and I'm so sorry, the pain will always be there you just have to take your mind off it as much as possible by doing stuff and not get stuck thinking about it all the time it will make things worse. I hope you start to feel better soon x

Hi cantmoveon,

Your name 'cantmoveon' seems very fitting for what I imagine will be the case for me. The idea of living the rest of my life without my father is completely unacceptable to me. He WAS my life. He was the sun, the moon, the stars, the oxygen, the hope, the love, the warmth, everything. Everything good sprung from my father. 

When I do think for more than a moment about what I've lost, I get close to having a complete nervous/mental breakdown. I'm not suicidal. But if I had the option of ceasing to live but being reunited my father, I would take it. When he was lying in the hospital bed (in which he died), I wanted to get in with him and go with him. Being separated from my father is...well, there is no word for it. 

I agree 'in principle' with your recommendation, i.e. that I get out there and talk to people. I just don't have any desire to do that. There's only one person I want to connect with. And I can never connect with him again.

Like you, I am an atheist. I can see no reason why any human should have to experience this sort of suffering. I just wish I could communicate with my dad from time to time. I loved him more than life. More than life.

Thanks again cantmoveon. Like you, I've had premonitions of what life will be like when I lose my mother. She is elderly too and has had cancer scares of her own. When she goes, I will be all alone in the world as I am an only child. I will still have a few friends but they are not family. There will be nobody who loves me the way a parent loves you. Like you, I'm not sure I will want to remain alive when I lose my mother.

Yes, I too saw my father suffer. He was diagnosed with 30 brain lesions (yes, 30). They had never seen anything like it. It slowly took over his brain, and caused psychological and physical torture in my father. Seeing that has scarred me for life. Like you, I don't see the sense or meaning in the world when good people (like my father) are made to suffer like that. The effects of the brain lesions were horrific. It was like a horror movie.

I just wish I (believed I) could communicate with my dad again. The only thing I want is to be with him. I will never love anybody like that, and nobody will ever love me like that. What is the point in it all when you lose the love of your life?

Hi Adam,

Yeh I have the same fears as you-my mum also battled cancer when I was a teen, I very easily could've lost her-if that had happened and I then had to go through watching my dad die aswell I can't imagine I'd be here right now. I've always worried about my parents-I'm not an only child but was a late baby so only have much older siblings who are not a support to me. It makes sense why you were extra close to your dad being an only child. And yeh I get it there is no one like your parents-you can have your own family but it's not the same sort of support, marriages break up and any kids you have need you for support not the other way around. I see my family as the one I was born with can't imagine making another one or it being anything close.

Am so sorry your dad suffered as well-my dad had a couple of brain lesions and for the cancer he had (prostate) this is meant to be very rare, like less than 1% or 2% of men with that cancer have it spread to the brain. So I know what you mean about our dads suffering so much and having rare complications, you just don't think your loved one is going to be in the 2% or less category. As if cancer isn't horrific enough you have an extra level to deal with, something even the doctors aren't expecting. It's so traumatic to watch loved ones going through that.

I wish I could talk to my dad again aswell, or that I had a time machine, it's hard to imagine you will never see someone again.

If I could have anything, a time machine would be my wish. I don't want to go forwards. I want to go backwards so that I can be with my dad. He gave me everything. AS you say, marriages break up (and friends come and go). 

Hope you're managing ok at the moment

Hi Adam 

I lost my mum a year ago and I feel exactly the same. 
 

Nothing anyone says is reassuring I can't stand it when people try and say she's looking down on me or would have been proud or what she would have wanted... 

At the end of the day they knew us better than anyway and life seems pretty much pointless and painful without them,.. 

The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of my sister going through the same thing as me and how strong she is being. Or my mums best friend or sister and how they are surviving.. 

I know this may not help you to power on but I understand how you feel and all I can hope And pray is that this will get better for us 

Hi SamC93,

Thanks for your thoughts. Like you, I find it extremely unhelpful when people say those things. Here are the things that I find completely useless:

- "What would your father want for you?"

- "He'll always be with you"

- "You have to live your life now"

- "It will get better with time"

I don't WANT to live without my dad. He WAS my life. Or at least the key part of my life. He was the sunshine in my world. The idea of letting him go and living my own life (without him) is appalling to me. 

I'm glad you're finding strength somewhere